Trauma Bonds - What - Why - How to Heal
by Lisa Happ of Lisa Happ Coaching, Divorce Coach
You didn’t fall in love with a narcissist.
You fell in love with the version of them they created just for you.
At first, it was magic.
You felt seen in a way you hadn’t felt in years.
Like maybe, finally… someone understood you.
The connection was electric. You felt chosen. Safe. Special.
But over time… the high faded.
The warmth turned cold. The kindness became control.
You started walking on eggshells, feeling anxious in your own body.
They’d pull away, and you’d spiral — ruminating, blaming yourself, craving their attention.
You knew something was wrong.
You saw the red flags.
But letting go felt impossible.
That’s not weakness.
That’s a trauma bond.
It works just like addiction.
Because it is one.
Your brain gets flooded with dopamine in the love-bombing phase ~~ the intense attention, the idealization, the feeling of being finally seen.
Then, when they withdraw or punish you, cortisol spikes — your stress hormone — and your nervous system shifts into survival mode.
You’re stuck in a cycle of reward and withdrawal, soothing and shaming, hope and heartbreak.
And because those chemicals are powerful, your body becomes wired to chase the high even when the cost is your peace.
You go back not because you’re foolish or weak…
But because your nervous system is addicted to the cycle.
The chaos starts to feel like home.
You wait for crumbs of affection like hits of a drug, just to relieve the unbearable tension inside you.
You tell yourself, “If I can just be better, do more, stay quiet, fix it… maybe they’ll come back.”
But the person you’re trying to get back to?
They never really existed.
They were a mask a performance, designed to pull you in.
Here’s what most people won’t tell you:
You can’t “just move on” from this.
Because trauma bonds aren’t broken with logic - they’re healed through nervous system regulation, emotional safety, and support.
If this feels familiar, you’re not crazy. You’re not alone.
And no ..... you’re not too broken. You’re already healing, just by reading this.
How to Begin Healing
Step 1: Anchor into joy.
Think of something that lights you up inside—something that brings you peace, hope, or freedom. Maybe it’s a vision for your future, a moment with your child, or simply the feeling of sunlight on your skin. Close your eyes and notice where that feeling lives in your body. Breathe into it. Let it grow.
Step 2: Interrupt the trauma loop.
When thoughts of your trauma bond arise—whether sadness, longing, or rumination—pause. Tell yourself, “I’m choosing to stop this thought.” Then close your eyes and bring yourself back to that joyful feeling. Practice this gently, again and again. Your nervous system will start to relearn safety.
Step 3: Use breath to regulate.
Try this grounding breath to calm your nervous system:
Inhale for a count of 5
Hold for 2
Exhale slowly for 8
Repeat until you feel the tension ease.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Healing from trauma bonds takes time and support.
I’m Lisa Happ, a trauma-informed divorce and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I’ve had the honor of walking alongside hundreds of women as they untangle these bonds, rebuild safety in their bodies, and rediscover themselves.
If you feel ready, or even just curious ~ I invite you to explore two ways we can work together by scheduling a Discovery Call HERE or email me at lisa@lisahapp.com.
Learn more about and how to work with Lisa Happ here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.