The Dreaded “Where’s Dad” Question
Hey Jenny,
I’d love your advice on something that keeps catching me off guard. I’m going through a divorce, and people regularly ask me, “Where’s dad?” — at school events, parties, even in passing. It’s usually well-intended, but it instantly turns a normal moment into something personal and awkward, often right in front of my kids.
I never know what to say. I don’t want to overshare, lie, or invite follow-up questions — but I also don’t want to freeze or feel exposed every time it comes up. Is there a polite, clear way to respond that protects my kids and myself, without making the situation uncomfortable?
Thank you!
Feeling Tongue Tied in Topanga
Hi There Tongue Tied,
First, I want to say this plainly: you’re not doing anything wrong. That question lands heavily because it is heavy — even when it’s asked casually.
From an etiquette perspective, you are not obligated to explain your family structure to anyone. Politeness does not require disclosure, context, or emotional labor — especially in front of your children.
The goal here is a response that is:
brief
neutral
non-inviting (get out of this interaction as quickly as possible)
Think of it as closing the conversational door gently, not slamming it.
A few options, depending on the moment:
“He’s not here today.”
“It’s just us right now.”
“We’ve got it covered, thanks.”
If the question comes from someone you’ll see again and you want to set a slightly clearer tone, you can add:
“We’re navigating some changes.” Then smile and here is the most important part—
Change the subject. Ask about their child. Comment on the event. Redirect without apology.
This conversation will be lead by how necessary it is for the person asking to have all the information, sometimes you might need to go into more detail — we have scripts for this in our FREE PDF/eBook How to Get Divorced as a Stay at Home Parent.
You don’t owe warmth and explanation. Calm neutrality is often the most elegant boundary, and it models for your kids that their family doesn’t require justification.
You’re allowed to protect your peace in small, ordinary moments.
Here for you always,
Jenny
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