Lessons from Leadership Coaching: What Middle Schoolers Teach Us About Growth
by Lorraine Connell founder of Peers not Fears, Teen Leadership Coach
For me, leadership coaching isnāt just about teaching the students - itās about all of us learning. Working with middle school students has shown me that growth doesnāt happen overnight, and leadership isnāt about having all the answers. Instead, itās about navigating challenges, learning from mistakes, and stepping into discomfort.
Through my beginning work with Rochester Middle School students, Iāve observed firsthand how leadership development is a process filled with setbacks, small victories, and unexpected lessons. Here are some powerful insights Iāve gained from early coaching of these young leaders.
Leadership Coaching Allows Growth to Begin with Discomfort
Leadership is often framed as confidence and certainty, but real growth happens when students face discomfort and work through it. Middle schoolers are still learning how to handle situations that push them outside their comfort zones, and their first reaction is often avoidanceāacting out, stepping away, or disengaging entirely.
During one session, a student asked to use the bathroom, and his peers assumed he wouldnāt return. But he did. When he came back, I gave him the option to step out of the activity while staying in the room. This small action reinforced the idea that discomfort is not a reason to leave entirelyāitās something to navigate.
By providing a safe space where discomfort is expected but not punished, students will begin to develop resilience and see challenges as opportunities rather than threats.
Trust Must Be Earned, Not Expected
Many students enter leadership programs skeptical of adults. Theyāre used to being corrected, disciplined, or told what to do rather than being invited into the process. Trust isnāt automaticāitās something that must be built over time.
In our early sessions, I noticed some students pushing boundaries, testing how much they could āget away with.ā Rather than immediately shutting them down, I allowed them to express themselves while setting expectations for respect. Over time, these students began to engage more positively, realizing that leadership wasnāt about control - it is about participation and shared responsibility.
Building trust with students requires consistency, patience, and a willingness to let them make small missteps as part of their learning journey.
Avoidance Is a Coping Mechanism, Not Defiance
When students avoid participation, itās easy to assume they donāt care. But in reality, avoidance is often a response to uncertainty or fear of failure.
During a leadership activity, where students needed to pass a ball across a circle to one another, one student mimicked an aggressive throw. I shared that we are working to solve a problem together and that might impact our success. Another student chose to throw the ball aggressively, this had an impact on the success of the group. The student chose to step out entirely. At first, it seemed like defiance, but I realized that this avoidance was a way of protecting themselves from potential embarrassment or failure. If the student played by the rules and failed, it would feel personal - so instead, they removed themself from the challenge.
By recognizing these behaviors as coping mechanisms rather than outright defiance, we can create a space where students feel safe enough to stay engaged and gradually build their confidence.
Leadership Looks Different for Everyone
Not every student naturally steps into leadership, and thatās okay. Some students are loud and directive, while others lead through quiet actions and consistency.
Iāve seen students hesitate to take on leadership roles because they donāt see themselves as āthe leader type.ā But leadership isnāt about fitting into a moldāitās about recognizing strengths and using them effectively.
One student, for example, never volunteered to lead but consistently supported his peers by offering encouragement and keeping the group focused. Over time, the quiet leadership became just as valuable as the more outspoken students.
By helping students see leadership in different forms, we empower them to step into their own version of leadership, rather than forcing them to fit a predefined image.
Reflection, Not Punishment, Leads to Growth
Traditional discipline often focuses on punishment rather than reflection. But real learning happens when students are given space to think about their actions and make connections for themselves.
We had a student who used unkind language that disrupted the group. Rather than immediately reprimanding them, I chose to observe and address it later in a reflective conversation. Instead of feeling attacked, they will have a chance to consider how the words impacted others.
When we allow students to reflect rather than simply react to consequences, they begin to develop the self-awareness needed for true leadership.
Conclusion: Embracing the Leadership Journey
Leadership isnāt about perfectionāitās about progress. The lessons Iāve learned and continue to learn from coaching middle schoolers remind me that growth takes time, patience, and intentional support.
By creating environments where students can navigate discomfort, build trust, work through avoidance, define leadership on their terms, and reflect on their actions, we give them the tools to become confident and capable leaders.
For parents, educators, and mentors, the challenge is to see beyond the immediate behaviors and recognize the leadership potential in every studentāeven when they donāt see it in themselves yet.
Because sometimes, the greatest leaders arenāt the ones who step forward right awayātheyāre the ones who take small, steady steps toward growth.
This blogpost was originally posted here!
Learn more about and how to work with Lorraine Connell here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original authorās perspective.