I Said I Was Getting A Divorce: How to Avoid What Happened Next
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by Erin Snow of Seacoast Listening Lounge
This is going to sound weird, but I think I was more scared to tell my friend about my divorce than I was to tell my kids. That sounds wrong, right? I knew she wasn’t a fan of divorce from a religious perspective, but also because her parents divorced when she was a kid and she was still dealing with it.
So we took the kids to the beach to hang out and when they were playing in the water, I said, “hey, so I have to tell you something. We’re getting a divorce.”
I think she was stunned, wasn’t sure she heard me right. And then said, you can’t do that. And started to cry. She started to cry. I was getting the divorce and she was acting like it was happening to her. Now I respect that my announcement probably brought up a lot of pain for her, but, hey, when your friends says, “I’m getting a divorce”, don’t make it about you.
One of the reasons it took me so long to make the decision to move forward with my divorce was I didn’t want to lose my friends. I hadn’t had a friend group for a really long time, and suddenly I was hanging out, going on vacations together, having girl talk (ok, they talked and I always listened), so it was scary to think I might lose that.
And I was right to be scared. So when your friend tells you they are getting a divorce, don’t bail on them. This is the time to invite them to MORE. Not treat them like pariahs. No joke, when this all happened it was during COVID when all the restaurants were shutting down. And you could only have a set number of people at each reservation. I suddenly found myself cut from the invite list because my party of 1 created an odd seating chart and so they found another couple to round out my spot.
You’ll want to know the details. Of course you want to know the details. Part of it is curiosity but the other part really does want to understand. Sometimes people don’t want to share the why.
Don’t push for the reason. I remember when I told my friends. They kept asking, well why? What did he do? There has to be a reason. They did not accept my “growing apart” explanation. There was a reason. He cheated on me. He didn’t prioritize our family, but I didn’t want to share those things. I was afraid I would be judged. And what would happen if I told them and we decided not to get a divorce, what then? They would hate him.
I also had FOMO for my kids. Their kids were friends with my kids. If they knew what an a-hole my husband was, I was afraid our kids would stop getting invites. So I protected him at my expense. They thought I was a whore. If not him, it must have been me.
Ok, so what can you say? If I knew I could trust my friends with one of the hardest things in my life, I would have shared the details, or at least some of them. In some ways, giving them no information allowed their imaginations to run wild and they filled in the blanks. But had I known I could share without judgment, that probably wouldn’t have happened. So when your friend shares they are getting divorced, skip the judgment and go right to being a safe space for them.
It’s ok if you have no idea what to say. It’s ok to say, I have no idea what you are going through but I”m here for you and I’m so sorry this is happening.
Avoid going into fix-it mode and telling them the shark of a divorce attorney they need to call right away. They are likely overwhelmed and getting inundated with your well meaning advice will just stress them out more.
OHHHH, definitely don’t ask them this, “did you think about Christmas? (or whatever big holiday you celebrate). Of course they thought about Christmas! Reminding them that they will be spending holidays alone without their kids might just push them back into a marriage they don’t want to be in.
The divorce news is going to be big and everyone will be wrapped up in it for a little bit, and then it will fade. You’ll go about your life. You’ll see them going about theirs, and maybe you think everything is OK. Everything is likely not OK. There will be nights where your friend will be alone. The first night they don’t have their kids, show up with a bottle of wine and a good movie. Keep asking them out or to stay in. Keep showing up for them.
You will get it wrong. You’ll mean well and say the wrong thing. That’s not the important part. The important thing is to listen. To ask what they need and how they need it. Fight the urge to fix it. Fight the urge to trash talk their ex (unless that is exactly what they need!). Keep their secrets secret Divorce isn’t tabloid fodder that needs to be spread like wildfire in car line.
Respect your boundaries and what you can take on. It’s a lot. Know when to call in reinforcements. That’s not failure. It doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you the best friend. Because you know your friend is struggling, you want to help, but you know you can’t do it alone.
Call Fresh Starts. Get the referrals. Let me support the friend going through the divorce. And let me support you, the friend who is helping to pick up the pieces.
When a Friend Says 'I’m Thinking About Divorce'
A Quick Support Guide | In Collaboration with Fresh Starts Registry
WHAT NOT TO DO
• Do not make it about you. Do not center your beliefs or your trauma.
• Do not bail. Keep inviting them. Include them more, not less.
• Do not interrogate. Accept what they are willing to share.
• Do not go into fix it mode. Offer solutions only if asked.
• Do not guilt them with holidays or parenting fears. They have already thought about it.
• Do not gossip. Protect their story.
WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD
• I’m here for you.
• I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
• You can share as much or as little as you want.
• I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.
• What do you need from me right now?
KEEP SHOWING UP
• The first night without their kids.
• The quiet house.
• The holidays.
• The random Tuesday when it all hits.
• Invite them. Text them. Sit with them.
WHEN IT IS MORE THAN YOU CAN HOLD
Supporting someone through divorce is heavy. It is okay to call in reinforcements.
Fresh Starts Registry connects individuals navigating divorce with trusted professionals, resources, and guidance.
Learn more about and how to work with Erin Snow here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.
