Routines to Support Your Wellbeing
by Emma Worth, LICSW and Therapist
Implementing a few new routines is a simple but powerful way to support your wellbeing and resilience during divorce. When many aspects of life are changing, the reality of uncertainty and unpredictability comes into high relief. You may be moving, separating finances, getting accustomed to the rhythm of life without a partner. Much structure has been lost, which is incredibly disorienting and stressful, whether or not it was by choice.
By adding just a few new and simple routines into your daily life, you can create supportive structure in your changing world. The goal is not to deny the fact that things are changing day to day. It is for you to intentionally communicate to your nervous system that there is in fact some predictability to hold you along the way, thus activating a safety response that is a better foundation for making decisions and managing stress.
Below are examples of simple routines and rituals that can be easily customized to support you wherever you are in the process. These are NOT meant to be aspirational! They can be 30 seconds long or 20 minutes. All that matters is that they are easy to implement and repeat, and that they bring a sense of stability and comfort. Just pick a few that work for you.
Morning Routine/Ritual: How we start the day sets the tone. We cannot choose how we feel when open our eyes, but we can choose what we do next. A cup of coffee and a shower before the kids get up. Taking 5 minutes to review the calendar and look for free moments. A few sun salutations, a big self-hug, glancing at a picture of beloved family and friends, reading an inspiring affirmation or poem.
Confidence Routine: Begin a practice of identifying 3 things you did well during the day. Keep it small and simple. You are looking for tiny triumphs: figuring out where you are going to grocery shop now. Taking out the trash if your ex used to do it. Waiting to send that email you drafted in a frenzy. Staying calm with your kids when you were running late.
Life Admin Routine: Everybody has to grocery shop, prepare meals, do laundry, stay organized, and clean up. And very likely, the way you used to complete these tasks needs to change. Find a few moments when you can feel grounded and relaxed enough, pick one task and make a new plan: maybe you put on music and tidy up before getting ready for evening rest. Maybe you find a new dish or two that you can batch cook and have for lunch throughout the week.
Connection Routine: Plan a practice of regularly connecting and reaching out to people who support you or to women who are going through something similar. Text family members good night to let them know you made it through the day and say good night. Establish a weekly meeting with a caring mental health professional. Plan phone calls throughout the week with women you met in a divorce-related group. Start giving your child 3 kisses on the forehead before school just because.
Peace of Mind Routine: Set aside a time to write down 1-3 things you spent time worrying about during the day that were outside of your control. Practice locating that understandable wish to manage, naming it, and letting it go with an extended exhale. Clarify what actually is within your sphere of control and write that down too. It’s a relief to clarify how you intend to expend mental energy.
Self-Care Routine: This looks different for everybody, and what it looks like for you may be changing every few weeks. Perhaps it’s a plan to get outside for a walk or a cup of tea and an afternoon nap. A plan to move your body. Planning time for sleep. Simply allowing yourself time to enjoy a hobby that still brings you a sense of being grounded, peaceful or happy, even though you have a long list of things to do.
Self-Compassion Routine: Find a daily time to identify a situation where you didn’t show up as your best self or a moment when you felt inadequate. Maybe you stayed up too late again, or you were impatient with one of your kids. You can choose to place a hand over your heart or just practice speaking to yourself with warmth and kindness. Remind yourself that you are human, with permission to be imperfect and make mistakes. Soothe yourself by saying aloud that this experience is what connects you to other imperfect humans.
Gratitude Routine: Start a practice of writing down 3-5 things you were grateful for in the day. You can focus on the little things, like having a heated home to be in, someone who was kind or supportive, finding a spare set of car keys when you couldn’t find yours in a rush. You can focus on simple pleasures: the sound of rain falling, the smell of coffee brewing, the peaceful look of a child sleeping. Focusing on what we are grateful for contributes to a sense of wholeness and wellbeing even through life’s greatest trials.
Bedtime Routine: How we ease into the day’s ending is also powerful and important. How we unwind is different for each individual, but having an evening routine can provide a sense of stability and cue your body that it’s time to get sleepy. Find what is pleasurable and what works for you. Give yourself some time to watch a favorite TV show. Light a candle and take a bath or shower. Use a sleep or meditation app. Listen to music and do some stretching, crochet or coloring.
It makes sense that during divorce and big life transitions the nervous system is on high alert trying to anticipate and adapt. It’s telling us to keep going and to avoid slowing down at all costs. The goal here is not to get around the uncertainty, the lack of predictability, or the reality that things are in flux from day to day. That’s the truth. However, by putting in place just a few simple routines that work for you, you are giving your system a chance to register that- even with all the uncertainty and change- you still have agency. You still have choices. There is still a sphere where you can exert control. You can create consistency. You are selecting and repeating a gentle cue to your system: you are okay, there is an order, there is safety and care available to you here. And that is going to be a much better foundation for you to be to achieve clarity, make decisions, and meet the challenges that arise from one day to the next.
Learn more about and how to work with Emma Worth here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.