Dear Jenny,
I feel like I’m living in an etiquette gray zone and I don’t know what’s “allowed.” My ex and I shared the same friend group for years. We did birthdays, beach days, dinners, all of it. Now that we’re divorced, I’m trying to be mature and not make people “choose sides,” but I’ll be honest: when I find out my ex is invited to something, my stomach drops.
It’s not that I want to control anyone. It’s that I’m still healing, and I don’t want to spend every social gathering bracing myself, monitoring my facial expressions, or pretending I’m fine when I’m not. Sometimes I just want to relax and be myself again—without the emotional whiplash of seeing the person who broke my heart holding court at the same table.
Is it rude to ask friends not to invite my ex to group events? How do I say it without sounding dramatic or forcing people into the middle?
Love,
Stressed Out in Salt Lake City
Dear Stressed Out in Salt Lake City,
It’s not rude to ask. It’s rude when people pretend “neutral” means you should silently tolerate pain so everyone else can stay comfortable.
Here’s the etiquette truth: you’re allowed to request a softer landing. Your friends may not be able to accommodate every time—but you can absolutely name what you need while you’re in the early (and tender) chapter.
The key is clarity + generosity + choice. You’re not issuing demands. You’re offering information so people can host thoughtfully.
Try this script:
“Quick check-in. As I’m still healing, it’s hard for me to be at smaller group hangs where [Ex] is invited. If you’re planning something intimate, I’d really appreciate a heads-up—and if it feels easier, I’d love if we could do some gatherings where it’s just one of us at a time for now. No pressure to ‘pick sides’—I just want to take care of my nervous system while I find my footing.”
If they can’t accommodate, the next etiquette move is yours: opt out without guilt.
“Thank you for telling me. I’m going to sit this one out, but I love you and I’ll catch you soon.”
That’s not drama. That’s boundaries with manners.
Jenny Says So.
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