What to Ask for in a Divorce When You Don’t Know What to Ask For in the Divorce Settlement

May 1

When your lawyer says, "Make a list of everything you want," it can feel overwhelming — especially when you're still reeling from the emotional upheaval of divorce. Where do you even start? Divorce isn’t just about signing papers. It’s about protecting your future, your children's stability, and your ability to rebuild your life.

This guide will walk you through exactly what you should ask for, why it matters, how to explain it, and how to advocate for yourself without missing anything crucial.

Custody & Parenting (If You Have Kids)

Legal Custody (Decision-Making Authority)

What it is: The right to make major decisions for your child (medical care, education, religion).

Why it's essential: Without legal custody, you could be excluded from important decisions about your child's life.
How to explain it: "I want to ensure I have an equal say in our child's major life decisions."

Physical Custody (Where the Child Lives)

What it is: Determines the child's primary residence.

Why it's essential: Daily routines and stability affect children's development and emotional well-being.
How to explain it: "I want to ensure the children's living arrangements promote stability and consistency."

Parenting Time (Visitation Schedule)

What it is: A detailed schedule outlining each parent's time with the children.

Why it's essential: Reduces future conflicts and provides clear expectations.
How to explain it: "I would like a structured schedule that details holidays, school breaks, and regular visitation."

Right of First Refusal

What it is: If a parent is unavailable during their time, the other parent has the first opportunity to care for the child.

Why it's essential: Protects your relationship with your child and minimizes third-party caregivers.
How to explain it: "If the other parent cannot be with the children, I would like the first opportunity to care for them."

Communication Agreements

What it is: Establishes how parents communicate about the children (email, co-parenting apps).

Why it's essential: Reduces miscommunication and emotional conflict.
How to explain it: "I would like us to use a co-parenting communication app to keep everything organized and respectful."

Child Support & Child-Related Financials

Child Support

What it is: Financial payments to cover the child's basic needs.

Why it's essential: Ensures your child has financial stability.
How to explain it: "I expect child support to be calculated fairly based on income and custody."

Division of Extra Expenses

What it is: Sharing costs for extras like medical expenses, therapy, school supplies, and activities.

Why it's essential: Covers expenses beyond basic support.
How to explain it: "I would like us to divide extracurricular and medical expenses equally."

Health Insurance for the Children

What it is: Determines which parent maintains or provides insurance coverage.

Why it's essential: Protects against unexpected healthcare costs.
How to explain it: "I would like a clear agreement on who is responsible for providing and covering the children's health insurance."

College Contributions

What it is: Agreement on contributions towards children's future college expenses.

Why it's essential: Planning now avoids future conflicts.
How to explain it: "I would like us to agree on how we will contribute to college expenses."

Financial Matters (Including Non-Child Related)

Division of Assets

What it is: Splitting all marital assets: homes, cars, bank accounts, investments.

Why it's essential: Secures your financial foundation for the future.
How to explain it: "I want an equitable division of all marital assets."

Division of Debts

What it is: Allocating responsibility for mortgages, loans, and credit card debts.

Why it's essential: Prevents you from being stuck with unfair debt.
How to explain it: "I want a clear division of all marital debts."

Alimony/Spousal Support

What it is: Financial support paid to a spouse after divorce.

Why it's essential: Helps financially stabilize after the divorce, especially if you sacrificed your career.
How to explain it: "I would like to request fair spousal support based on our financial disparity."

Division of Retirement Benefits

What it is: Splitting retirement accounts like 401(k)s, pensions, and IRAs.

Why it's essential: Ensures long-term financial security.
How to explain it: "I would like a fair division of all retirement accounts."

Division of Business Interests

What it is: Dividing any jointly owned business or business interest.

Why it's essential: Businesses are valuable marital assets.
How to explain it: "I want an equitable valuation and division of business interests."

Life Insurance

What it is: Requiring life insurance policies to secure support obligations.

Why it's essential: Provides financial security for you and the children.
How to explain it: "I would like life insurance policies maintained to secure future support payments."

Division of Cryptocurrency, Airline Miles, and Rewards

What it is: Splitting digital assets and rewards points.

Why it's essential: These have real monetary value.
How to explain it: "I would like to equitably divide all digital and reward-based assets."

Division of Personal Loans from Family/Friends

What it is: Handling responsibility for personal debts.

Why it's essential: Prevents future disputes and resentment.
How to explain it: "I want clarity on who is responsible for any personal or family loans."

Tax Filing Status and Dependency Exemptions

What it is: Deciding who claims the children for tax purposes.

Why it's essential: Reduces tax burdens and ensures fairness.
How to explain it: "I would like us to specify how tax filings and child exemptions are handled moving forward."

Housing & Living Situations

Family Home and Other Properties

What it is: Determines who keeps or sells real estate.
Why it's essential: Housing stability and financial security.
How to explain it: "I would like a clear agreement on refinancing, buyouts, or sales."

Furniture, Appliances, and Personal Property

What it is: Dividing household contents.
Why it's essential: Rebuilding requires resources.
How to explain it: "I want an equitable division of home furnishings and appliances."

Personal Property & Sentimental Items

Vehicles, Boats, RVs, etc.

What it is: Dividing major property.
Why it's essential: Reliable transportation is crucial.
How to explain it: "I want to fairly divide all vehicles and titled property."

Sentimental Items

What it is: Dividing keepsakes, heirlooms, and sentimental assets.
Why it's essential: Emotional closure and fairness.
How to explain it: "I would like to keep certain family heirlooms and sentimental items."

Pets

What it is: Deciding on pet custody and expenses.
Why it's essential: Pets are family too.
How to explain it: "I would like clear custody and cost-sharing agreements for our pets."