Should You Say Something to the Other Person After an Affair?
A question that often comes up in our community is: “My spouse had an affair. We’re divorcing now, and while they’re no longer together, I still feel the urge to say something to the other person. Should I?”
If you’ve been here, you know the feeling. Betrayal leaves behind a swirl of emotions—anger, grief, humiliation, longing for answers—and it’s natural to want closure or to reclaim your voice. The question is: will saying something give you that?
Why the Urge Feels So Strong
When someone violates your trust, your nervous system goes into overdrive. Part of you wants acknowledgment, accountability, maybe even an apology. Speaking up feels like a way to reclaim control in a situation where you didn’t have any. That’s not weakness—that’s human.
What to Consider Before Reaching Out
What’s your goal? Do you want to be heard, or do you expect them to change? (The first may be possible; the second likely isn’t.)
What will it cost you? Sometimes engaging prolongs the pain instead of bringing peace.
What would support look like instead? Talking it through with a therapist, coach, or trusted friend might give you more relief than sending a text or knocking on a door.
Sometimes Silence Speaks Louder
Here’s the hard truth: the other person already knows what they did. Whether they feel guilt or not, your healing doesn’t depend on their reaction. Sometimes the most powerful statement you can make is no statement at all—focusing your energy on your own fresh start instead of reopening the wound.
A Gentle Reminder
You don’t have to let it go overnight. Anger is part of grief, and grief takes time. But your healing doesn’t live in their acknowledgment—it lives in the steps you take to rebuild your life. Choosing not to engage isn’t weakness. It’s strength, and it leaves you with more energy for yourself and your children (if you have them).
At Fresh Starts, we have therapists, coaches, and divorce experts who can walk alongside you through betrayal, heartbreak, and rebuilding. You don’t have to navigate this part of the process alone.
If you’re preparing for divorce—or already in it—download our free ebook, What to Consider When You’re Considering Divorce. It includes checklists, scripts, and compassionate advice for the hardest moments, including what to do with the urge to speak out.
Your fresh start begins when you turn your focus from them…back to you.