Jenny Says So: The New Partner at Kid Events
Dear Jenny,
I need etiquette guidance that feels like it was invented specifically to torture me.
My ex has a new partner, and lately they’ve started showing up at kid events—school concerts, soccer games, even a class birthday party. The first time it happened, I felt my whole body go hot. I tried to smile like a normal person, but I could barely hear what anyone was saying. I spent the entire event doing mental math: Do I say hi? Do I ignore them? If I’m polite, am I endorsing this? If I’m distant, am I hurting my kids?
What makes it worse is that people watch. Other parents glance over. Someone always seems to be within earshot. I don’t want to look bitter. I don’t want to make a scene. But I also don’t want to play happy blended family when I’m still grieving what my family used to look like.
My kids are young enough to pick up on energy, but not old enough to understand why I suddenly look like I’m holding my breath. I want to model maturity and stability for them—but I also want to protect myself.
So… what do I do? What’s the right way to act when your ex’s new partner is suddenly in your orbit at kid stuff?
Love,
Holding It Together in Huntington
Dear Holding It Together,
First: you are not failing because this feels hard. This is one of the most emotionally loaded “public-facing” moments divorce can create—because it’s not just about you. It’s about your kids, your dignity, and the fact that you didn’t consent to sharing your front row seat.
Here’s the etiquette principle: be civil, be brief, be kid-centered, and give yourself an exit. You don’t have to be warm. You don’t have to be icy. Aim for neutral grace.
Use VASE: Validate, Acknowledge, Support, Express—in one sentence.
If you need a script, try:
“Hi, I’m [Name]. Thanks for supporting the kids today.” (smile, then turn back to the event)
That’s it. You’re not inviting closeness—you’re setting a tone: respectful, contained, done.
If they try to chat:
“I’m going to focus on the game/concert, but I hope you have a nice day.”
If your ex is pushing “we should all sit together”:
“I’m going to sit separately today. Let’s keep it simple for the kids.”
And afterward, do the kindest thing: debrief with your nervous system. Walk, breathe, text a friend, cry in the car if you need to. Composure in public doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel.
You’re allowed to be polite and still be protecting your heart.
Jenny Says So.
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