Jenny Says So: I’m not okay, but I’m also not up for sharing
Dear Jenny,
I’m newly separated and trying to keep my life functioning like a normal person—emails, meetings, deadlines, small talk. But I feel like I’m carrying this huge invisible thing into the office every day.
A few coworkers have noticed I’m quieter. Someone asked if I’m “okay” in that tone that means they already suspect something. Another person made an offhand joke about marriage that landed like a brick in my stomach. I don’t want to announce my divorce at work, but I also don’t want to seem secretive or icy when I dodge questions.
Here’s the complication: I’m not asking for a group hug. I’m asking for predictability. If I need to swap a meeting because of a mediation appointment, or I’m suddenly doing school pickup solo, I don’t want to keep making vague excuses that feel awkward and untrue. But I’m terrified if I share it, it becomes office gossip—or people start treating me like a fragile little bird.
Do I have to tell my coworkers? If so, how do I do it in a way that’s professional, boundaried, and not a whole “thing”?
Love,
Treading Lightly in Tennessee
Dear Treading Lightly,
You don’t owe your coworkers your personal life. But you can share a simple, strategic version when it makes your work life easier. Think of it like this: you’re not making an announcement—you’re setting context.
Etiquette-wise, you tell people on a need-to-know basis: your manager (if scheduling/flexibility might come up), HR (if you need policy support), and a trusted teammate only if it directly affects workflow.
Use VASE: Validate, Acknowledge, Support, Express—short and professional.
To your manager:
“Quick personal update: I’m going through a divorce. I’m managing it, but I may have a few appointments that impact scheduling. I’ll keep you posted early and make sure coverage is handled. I’d appreciate keeping this private.”
To a coworker who asks:
“Thanks for checking in. I’m dealing with a family change and keeping it pretty private, but I appreciate you.”
If someone pries:
“I’m not discussing details, but thank you for understanding.”
You’re allowed to protect your privacy and ask for what you need. That’s not oversharing. That’s good workplace boundaries.
Jenny Says So.
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