Jenny Says So: “What Happened?”
Dear Jenny,
I didn’t realize how many people felt entitled to my story until I got divorced.
It started with the obvious people—neighbors, friends-of-friends, the mom at pickup who suddenly “just wanted to check in.” But now it’s everywhere. Someone corners me at a birthday party. A relative texts “I heard…” A well-meaning acquaintance slides into my DMs with the same question: “What happened?”
And I freeze. Because if I answer honestly, it’s too much. If I answer politely, it feels like I’m minimizing something that cracked my life open. And if I don’t answer at all, I feel like I’m being rude—or like I’m confirming whatever rumor they’ve already decided is true.
I’m trying to hold my head up and move forward, but every time someone asks, it’s like being pulled back into the worst chapter and forced to summarize it in 30 seconds.
What do I do? How do I respond without oversharing, spiraling, or sounding defensive?
Love,
Fumbling in Fairfield
Dear Fumbling,
It’s not rude to ask. It’s rude when people pretend “neutral” means you should silently tolerate pain so everyone else can stay comfortable.
Here’s the etiquette truth: you’re allowed to request a softer landing. Your friends may not be able to accommodate every time—but you can absolutely name what you need while you’re in the early (and tender) chapter.
The key is clarity + generosity + choice. You’re not issuing demands. You’re offering information so people can host thoughtfully.
Try this script:
“Quick check-in. As I’m still healing, it’s hard for me to be at smaller group hangs where [Ex] is invited. If you’re planning something intimate, I’d really appreciate a heads-up—and if it feels easier, I’d love if we could do some gatherings where it’s just one of us at a time for now. No pressure to ‘pick sides’—I just want to take care of my nervous system while I find my footing.”
If they can’t accommodate, the next etiquette move is yours: opt out without guilt.
“Thank you for telling me. I’m going to sit this one out, but I love you and I’ll catch you soon.”
That’s not drama. That’s boundaries with manners.
Jenny Says So.
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