Why Healing Can Feel Harder Than Leaving
by Lisa Happ of Lisa Happ Coaching, Divorce Coach
If you’ve walked away from narcissistic abuse or coercive control and you’re still reacting in your body, this is for you.
Not the part of you that understands it logically.
The part of you that still jumps when your phone lights up.
The part of you that feels tight before court.
The part of you that is exhausted for no clear reason.
A lot of strong, capable women think once they leave, they should feel better. Clearer. Calmer. Done.But what no one explains is that abuse doesn’t just live in your thoughts. It lives in your nervous system.And if you don’t understand that piece, you will keep blaming yourself for reactions that actually make perfect sense.This article is about that.
About what’s happening in your body.
And about how to begin teaching it that you are safe again.There’s something I see over and over again in people coming out of narcissistic abuse and coercive control dynamics.
It’s not just emotional. It’s physical.Your heart races when their name pops up on your phone. Your stomach drops before a court date. You wake up already tired. You can’t concentrate the way you used to. Your body feels braced for impact even when nothing is happening.
And then comes the quiet shame.Why am I still reacting like this?
Why can’t I just move on?
Why does my body feel like I’m still in it even if I have left the relationship? If you’ve asked yourself those questions, I want you to understand what’s actually happening.Your nervous system adapted to survive unpredictability. If you lived in criticism, gaslighting, silent treatment, volatility, or subtle intimidation, your body learned to scan constantly. Tone shifts. Facial expressions. Text delays. Footsteps in the hallway. Energy changes in a room. It wasn't a weakness. It was intelligence.Your body keeps you safe.Here’s the part no one explains: your nervous system doesn’t automatically know when the threat has passed. It doesn’t receive a memo that says, “You’re out now.” So it keeps running emergency protocols.That racing heart is protection.
That brain fog is overload.
That exhaustion is a body that has been on guard for too long.You are not broken.You are adapted.And adaptation can be gently unwound.Not by forcing yourself to calm down. Not by shaming your reactions. But by giving your body consistent signals of safety.
Here are a few tips to help you when you are ruminating, spiraling and can't catch your breath:
One simple way to begin is through your breath. Try inhaling for five, holding for two, and exhaling slowly for eight. The long exhale is what signals safety to the nervous system. Do it slowly, four or five rounds.
1- Your body position also matters. Stand up. Roll your shoulders back. Uncross your arms. Put both feet flat on the floor. Trauma lives in bracing. When you shift your posture, you interrupt that pattern and send your body new information.
2- old can help reset an activated system quickly. Cold water on your face. Ice in your hands. Cool water over your wrists. This activates the body’s dive reflex and can calm things down faster than you might expect.
3- A powerful tool is speaking directly to your nervous system. Not with forced positivity. Not with pretending. Just steady reassurance: I am safe at this moment. This is a memory response. I am not in danger right now. Say it slowly. Let your body register it.
What you are experiencing is normal for survivors of narcissistic abuse and coercive control. Hypervigilance. Fatigue. Startle response. Tight chest. Emotional flooding. Difficulty focusing.
These are nervous system patterns.
You are not dramatic.
You are not weak.
You are not “too sensitive.”
You survived something extremely destabilizing.
The same nervous system that learned survival can learn safety.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about teaching your body that it can feel safe again.
And that healing is absolutely possible.
Learn more about and how to work with Lisa Happ here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.