The Divorce Dilemma: How I Knew My Marriage Was Over
by Carrie Mead of Carrie Mead, LCPC
Are you lying awake at night, contemplating divorce, or thinking about a completely different life that doesn’t include your spouse? If so, you’re not alone.
Current divorce trends
Did you know that about 25% of people are considering divorce, in silence, at any one time in the United States? Did you know that most people contemplate divorce for an average of 2 years before saying it aloud to anyone; even their partner! Did you know that many people then take years (and sometimes decades) to finally initiate the divorce, long after they decided to leave?
So, people like you are contemplating divorce, even though they aren’t talking about it.
While this revelation, when spoken, can feel shocking to the spouse who is ‘blindsided’ by their partner’s inner musings, divorce rarely happens ‘out of the blue.’ In my clinical work, I’ve never seen a divorce come to fruition without significant warning signs; missed opportunities to take accountability; or circular conversations that end in feelings of hopelessness, despair, and disconnection.
Often, one partner—often the woman—has been raising concerns for years. When those concerns are minimized, dismissed, or met with inconsistent change, silence eventually replaces conversation. Not because things are fine, but because talking no longer feels effective. As the saying goes, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity… and insanity does not lend itself to repair or connection.
Why women initiate divorce most often
Women initiate divorce about 70% of the time, not because they are impulsive or thoughtless, but because they are the ones carrying the emotional, mental, and relational load of the marriage. While women have gained access to financial independence and exciting professional opportunities, and thus work outside the home, they continue to shoulder most of the domestic labor, parenting coordination, mental load, and relationship building. Simply put: many women are doing it all—and they are tired of it.
This imbalance doesn’t usually feel dramatic. It’s subtle, cumulative, and deeply lonely. These shifts mean that men are gaining a lot out of their marriage that women are not.
Meet Alice
Alice is 39. She is competent, capable, and deeply invested in her family. She works full time, she’s on track to make partner in two years, but she also has a 2nd full time job. The 2nd job is unpaid and comes with just a few benefits. You guessed it; she is a married, working mother.
The 2nd shift requires her to manage her home, her children’s schedules, getting kids to the right doctors, at the right time, remembering birthdays, maintaining most social relationships and outings, and carrying the mental and physical work that keeps daily life functioning, like keeping up with the laundry and re-stocking the fridge.
Her husband, Brandon, is not cruel or abusive. He is fun, optimistic, and engaged—when invited. He loves their children and shows up for the activities Alice plans. He listens when she raises concerns and often promises to do better. Sometimes, he even does—for a while.
But consistency is missing. Follow-through fades. Alice feels like the manager of the household, the therapist, the event planner, and the holder of all the emotions in the partnership. She is the default parent. All. The. Time.
Over time, she begins to feel lonely inside her marriage. She’s got a loving (and even likable) husband, but she operates like a single mom. She is deeply wounded by the disparity within her marriage, and she wonders if Brandon sees it? She wonders if he actually deeply cares about her pain and perspective. She wonders if he cares enough to make different- aka difficult- choices that would support her and their family.
Alice is at a crossroads
Her kids are young, and life is only going to get more hectic as the kids grow-up and she makes partner at her accounting firm in a few years. Alice wonders how she is going to maintain this pace without crashing and burning.
The mental load is real. The physical demands are exhausting and growing. The default parenting is getting old. Alice wants a change.
Alice wonders what it would be like to have a reliable partner who would share these burdens with her. Not just a partner who does what is asked, a partner who initiates and follows through consistently. She wonders what it would be like to:
Come home to someone who has tidied the house.
Have someone else remember that they need to buy more laundry soap and peanut butter (and then actually buy it and put it away!)
Have a partner who would initiate difficult conversations
Experience life with a partner who shows a deep range of emotions- not someone who is always ‘happy’ and ‘looking on the bright side.’
Alice is grateful that they don’t fight a lot but she realizes Brandon’s tendency towards conflict avoidance is a serious problem. She also recognizes that he isn’t interested in change or doing deep personal work; she’s asked many times.
“But nothing is technically wrong…”
This is where many women get stuck.
Alice reflects on her life. At 39, she has decades left to live, and she is seriously considering her next steps.
Does her future include staying married to Brandon? If so, what should she realistically expect? And, how does she know if she’s asking for ‘too much’?
Does she stay and pretend the problems don’t exist?
Does she stay and forge on with her complaints only to be disappointed?
Does she stay but make an exit plan? In other words, does she enter a phase of divorce contemplation?
Does she run away or distract herself with alcohol, girls’ trips, and shopping?
Does she start therapy again to work on herself?
Does she choose herself and her needs this time, even if that means disappointing others?
What would you do?
What would you do if you were Alice? Nothing ‘big’ or ‘monumental’ has occurred. Brandon is just being Brandon. No affairs nor abuse. No bankruptcy or criminal activity. No yelling or violence from her spouse. Truly, their life is as it’s always been. So, why now, is Alice so disturbed?
And, in your case, if something ‘big’ has happened; so, what? Does it really change anything? In my experience as a clinician, it often doesn’t. The decision and thoughts are always complex and painful, regardless of the circumstances.
So, back to the original question… what is Brandon getting that Alice is not? Take time to reflect on this. What do you see as the benefits he is gaining? What about her? What about you and your partner?
The invisible weight that breaks marriages
Carrie Mead, LCPC | Maryland Psychotherapist | http://www.marylandtherapycarrie.com
Divorce today often stems from prolonged feelings of being overlooked, undervalued, and emotionally disconnected. While affairs, addiction, abandonment, and abuse (the 4 A’s) still matter, many modern divorces happen for more subtle reasons. Let’s explore.
Loneliness
Women tend to have large groups of friends with whom they can connect with on a variety of topics. Women do not always rate their spouse as their best friend. Contrast that with men. Men consistently refer to their wife as their best friend and many men, sadly, do not have true, deeply emotional friendships.
Therefore, when husbands and wives spend time together, there are discrepancies in their levels of emotional maturity and social acuity. When emotional needs go unmet at home, women can feel profoundly alone—even in a busy household. This can cause women to feel incredibly lonely, misunderstood, and frustrated.
Simply put, men need more: friends, opportunities for social interactions, accountability, and mentorship from their peers. And, it’s not your responsibility to facilitate, manage, or hold this.
Bottom line: Loneliness when you are not actually alone is a major risk factor for marriage. The feeling of chronic loneliness is your wisdom trying to get your attention.
Breakdown of communication
Many people lack effective communication skills and this either leads to constant arguments or conflict avoidance or stonewalling. Repeated arguments with no lasting change often lead to withdrawal. Silence replaces conflict.
Good communication underlies all healthy relationships. When communication ceases or becomes a trigger for flooding and emotional trauma, communication stops. Resentment, contempt, and frustration grow and yet there seems to be no way out of this dark cycle for pursual and withdraw.
Bottom line: Without effective communication (this includes speaking, listening, and nonverbal cues), your marriage will always be in turmoil.
One person may be happy with a simple life that doesn’t challenge them in many ways, while the other may be seeking a partner who challenges them and supports their maturity. Bids for connection are missed or ignored, and so, loneliness and deep dissatisfaction with the ‘status quo’ takes hold of the relationship.
Bottom line: Growing apart is more a feeling than a concrete behavior. IFYKYK. Address this quickly before it spreads and corrupts your marriage. If you address this and are met with empty promises, that’s valuable information that you need to contemplate.
Imbalance of responsibility
One partner benefits from an organized home, happy kids, and stable relationships that they did not initiate or maintain, and the emotional labor put in by their partner. This imbalance is often invisible to the person benefiting from it but it is a heavy burden for the over-functioning partner.
Eve Rodsky’s documentary (and books and podcasts!) on this topic are a phenomenal resource for you and your partner, should you wish to explore this topic further.
Bottom line: The mental load; 2nd shift; and default parenting simply break the relationship beyond repair.
Financial tensions
Financial philosophies and feelings about financial responsibility vary widely. Ask 100 people what ‘a lot’ of money is, and you’ll get 100 different answers. Ask 100 people how much is ‘too much’ to spend on birthday gift, a new shirt, or a bottle of wine, and you’ll get more variety than I care to write about!
However, when it comes to finances and divorce, we most often find that finances cause irreparable problems when either:
One person exceeds the agreed-upon budget, causing mistrust, resentment, and devaluation. This is also probably not the only place one partner breaks agreements.
Each person’s financial contributions to the family are vastly unequal, and this is not by design. In other words, it’s not been agreed upon that one person will be the sole financial contributor while the other raises children or writes a novel.
Tension and devaluation occurs when one person works two jobs while they live paycheck to paycheck and the other works only part time hours because they haven’t found their ‘perfect’ job yet. (Thus, one is putting their personal fulfillment above the family’s immediate needs.)
One person has large debts or assumes a large debt without the other knowing. This can happen if one has a gambling addiction, impulsivity issues, or ADHD, or they simply are too narcissistic and thus they put their desires above the family’s financial stability.
Money isn’t just about how much something costs or how much you have in your savings account; everyone has deeply held core beliefs about money based on childhood experiences and their personal lived experiences. Like all core beliefs, these are not conscious thoughts, and they are difficult (but not impossible) to change.
You can find out a little about your core beliefs when you start to talk about how to spend or save your money, or how generous or conservative to be with your bonus. But, without trust, respect, and open communication, these conversations can escalate very quickly and they often result in divorce; the stakes are just too high for many people to risk.
Bottom line: When your values about finances are misaligned, many, many problems can and do arise. These problems become overbearing and burdensome; trust erodes, and fights stall on repeat.
Sexual mismatch
Sex is a powerful currency. With power comes responsibility. When power is abused or misused, the effect is widespread and detrimental.
Intimacy requires safety, trust, and mutual care. You are vulnerable during sex and when resentment or emotional disconnection builds, intimacy often becomes strained, leaving both partners hurt.
Bottom line: When sex is weaponized, withheld, used to gain power or favors, or taken without regard for the thoughts and emotional state of the other, it easily becomes a toxic virus that will kill any hopes of a healthy marriage.
Contempt
Contempt—eye-rolling, sarcasm, dismissal, or emotional withdrawal—is the strongest predictor of divorce. Once contempt takes hold, repair becomes incredibly difficult. Contempt ruins lives and is breeding ground for other bad behaviors.’
Bottom line: Contempt is a strong predictor of divorce
Emotional Abuse
Emotional or psychological abuse is used to control, isolate, confuse, or frighten the victim. If your partner is emotionally abusive, he will break down your self-esteem and self-worth. The abuser (aka, your spouse) may use deflection, devaluing, and gaslighting to confuse you and distort your memory or reality.
Deflection is a defense mechanism that shifts blame to the victim
Gaslighting is intentionally manipulating the truth to confuse the victim
Devaluation causes poor self-esteem, and it keeps victims feeling stuck in a dangerous situation
The healing process from emotional abuse is much more complicated than healing from a physical injury, and you cannot heal from an emotionally abusive relationship while living with the abuser, in most cases.
Common ways emotional abuse shows up in relationships are through humiliation, belittling, insults, manipulation, and lying.
Bottom line: Emotional abuse is abuse; it’s not a gray area. Abuse has no place in healthy relationships.
If you see yourself in Alice…
Pause. Breathe. Take a break. You do not need to decide anything today. This situation likely took years to form; it does not require an immediate solution or action today.
When you’re ready, ask yourself:
What are the red flags in my marriage?
What are the green flags?
Have things ever felt different—and if so, what changed?
Did our relationship have a good and happy starting point? If not, why did I pursue it?
Am I tired because life is busy, or because I am carrying these burdens alone?
Use this blog as a reflection point and a working document. Return to it. Talk about it with trusted friends. Seek therapy. Move slowly and intentionally. Contemplate divorce and contemplate staying, even if nothing changes. Contemplation is slow, thoughtful, and wise. And, remember, divorce is not a failure, and there is no right or wrong answer.
Decision time
Alice doesn’t want a different life because something catastrophic happened. She wants a different life because nothing has changed. She has grown and matured in many ways, and Brandon is still that fun, goofy, immature, 25 year old that she fell for all those years ago.
Alice has stepped into her adult role with her eyes wide open and ready for the challenges that life brings. It seems that Brandon has come along for the ride, and the benefits of her maturity without bringing his A-game.
Alice has a decision to make; she is most impacted by their current circumstances so she is the only one who can advocate for change. Brandon is ‘having his cake and eating it too.’ In other words, he wants the mutually exclusive advantages of married life without putting in the effort it requires… bottom line: he’s selfish.
Alice has made her decision. She knows what is right for her. She hasn’t expressed it yet, but she feels a weight has been lifted. The internal weight of this very heavy burden has shifted; it’s not gon,e but it’s moving away.
The next season of Alice’s life will be full of turbulence, unpredictability, and some anxiety but trusting herself is giving her some moments of peace midst the storm. Choosing herself and claiming her worth feels empowering and loving, not selfish or cold.
Want or need more support?
If you are navigating a similar crossroads, you don’t have to do it alone. I work with women contemplating divorce and those rebuilding their lives afterward through individual psychotherapy, coaching, and facilitating support groups.
When you’re ready, I would be honored to walk with you through this season. Let’s connect.
Carrie Mead, LCPC, is Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in the state of Maryland and registered telehealth provider in the state of South Carolina. Carrie Mead is also a certified life coach, and she enjoys working with people as she walk through difficult seasons of life. Contact Carrie at www.marylandtherapycarrie.com or carrie@marylandtherapycarrie.com
This blogpost was originally posted here!
Learn more about and how to work with Carrie Mead here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.