Am I Ready for Divorce?
by Carrie Mead of Carrie Mead, LCPC
It’s the first Monday in January, and you’re back at your desk. It’s cold, bleak, and dreary. Your spirits are low and your bank balance is lower. You’re sitting at your desk with zero motivation or focus. Rather than attending to your inbox, you start typing the letters D-I-V-O-R-C-E on your keyboard. Despite feeling terribly alone, it turns out that you are in the company of so many others across the globe who use the first Monday in January to research the topic of divorce. According to therapists, lawyers, and Google, it’s ‘Divorce Day’. Welcome to the club that no one wants to be part of. If you miss joining on Monday, don’t worry- the whole month of January is known as ‘Divorce Month’.
Basic Stats & Bleak News
Let’s start with some basic divorce facts– women are much more likely to file for divorce than men, 2nd and 3rd marriages are much more likely to end in divorce than first marriages, and legal problems and addictions will increase your likelihood of facing a divorce. In a nutshell, some things can increase (or decrease) your chance of divorce. Here’s some useful information to help you understand how and why you might be in this situation.
About 42% of 1st marriages will end in divorce.
Up to 60% of 2nd marriages and 70% of 3rd marriages will end also end in divorce
Women initiate divorce about 70% of the time in the United States.
The risk of divorce is 97 % higher in families where a mother has paid work but her husband makes a “minimal contribution” to housework and childcare.
The median length of a 1st marriage is 8 years.
Feeling contempt towards your partner is the No. 1 predictor of divorce according to the Gottman Institute.[1]
Contempt conveys, “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you” and whoever is treated this way feels “despised and worthless.”
The risk of divorce is 50% higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home and 200 % higher when both partners do.[2]
If one spouse is a heavy drinker and the other is not, they are 60% more likely to get divorced.
Addictions and a diagnosis of major depression and PTSD correlate highly with divorce.
Video game addiction, pornography addiction, and Facebook are also often cited as contributing factors to a divorce according to several studies.
‘Gray divorce’ (aka seeking divorce after the age of 50) has tripled since 2009.
According to recent research, women experienced a 45% decline in their living standards after a gray divorce, while men experienced just a 21% decline.
For same-sex couples, the divorce rate is 3.1 per 1000 people in states that allow same-sex marriage and 3.9 in states that prohibit it.
According to the UK’s Office of National Statistics, lesbian couples are nearly twice as likely to end a marriage or civil union than gay male couples are.
Many couples cite a ‘final straw’ moment that took them from feeling stuck to feeling resolute about divorce. According to research published in the Couples and Family Psychology Journal[3], the top ‘final straw’ moments for couples were cited as:
Infidelity ( 24%)
Domestic violence (21% )
Substance abuse (12%)
Many divorces are amicable, with time, but about 10- 20% of divorces involve at least one party who has a high-conflict personality or temperament. These personality factors contribute to how much ease you can reasonably expect from your ex during and after the divorce.
Some Good News in the Sea of Despair
According to the Gottman Institute, having a “good repair” after a fight, and a general sense of fondness and admiration for your partner can buffer against those negative feelings that lay the foundation for an unhealthy relationship.
In a study by the University of Rochester, researchers concluded that watching romantic movies and having a conversation around them helps lower divorce rates from 24% to 11% in marriages of three years.[1]
While 38% of couples who receive marriage counseling still get divorced within 4 years; nearly 70% of couples with similar problems who do not seek counseling divorce within 4 years.
Couples therapy data shows that by focusing on intimacy, emotion, and communication, marriage counseling effectiveness is improved dramatically, and so, in turn, is the relationship between patients[2]
A college degree for women can be a buffering factor against divorce.
While 78% of women with a bachelor’s degree have a marriage that lasts at least 20 years, just 49% of women with some college education reach this milestone. And just 40% of women with a high-school education or less have a marriage that lasts 20 years or more.
Having married parents decreases your chance of divorce by 14%.
Most conflict surrounding newly divorced couples and co-parents settles down and becomes manageable within the first 2 years post-divorce; but, if your conflict continues past 2 years, it will likely stay that way for the foreseeable future.
Carrie Mead, LCPC | Maryland Mental Health Provider | carrie@marylandtherapycarrie.com
What Causes Divorce?
We’ve already discovered that contempt is a reliable predictor of divorce, but it’s not why most couples cite it in their divorce filings. Research informs us that some of the top contributions to divorce include:
Lack of commitment
Infidelity
Excessive arguing and conflict
Marrying too young
Financial problems
Substance abuse
Domestic violence
Gender Inequality: Women are Tired and Frustrated
Thanks to our friends at FairPlay, we now know that “Research shows women take on at least two and a half times more unpaid household and care tasks than men, and this is without accounting for the mental load that accompanies these responsibilities. As a result, many women experience increased stress, dissatisfaction in their relationships, and problems balancing work and family life.” Repeat: women are doing 2.5 x more unpaid housework than men.
For most of my clients, these statistics are all too familiar. They already know this because they are living this every day in their own homes. Time after time, I hear from the women that I work with that they are frustrated, tired, burnt out, and hopeless because they are essentially doing several full-time jobs simultaneously. They are working full-time for paid employment and then also working full-time- without pay- as house cleaner, babysitter, tutor, travel agent, taxi driver, and cook. Don’t forget they are also working very hard to be fun, sexy, fit, and relaxed for their spouse.
Many families choose to have both parents work outside the home because both people had interesting careers before marriage and children or they enjoy the lifestyle that two incomes afford them. But in reality, the discussions around household chores, holiday planning, homework supervision, and child-rearing are often left to chance and when no one picks up these unpaid chores, it’s mostly the women who do it- although it’s begrudgingly. And, not surprisingly, all of this comes with some natural consequences.
Anything Resonating?
Mental Health treatment for anxiety, depression, chronic stress, and trauma
Does any of this sound familiar? Divorces do not happen because someone leaves their dirty dishes in the sink or because they have forgotten one important milestone. They happen because at least one partner lacks consistency, follow-through, and commitment toward the long-term goals of the relationship and their partner. When at least one person stops trying and the other person can no longer tolerate doing all the heavy lifting, divorce can be a natural consequence.
While couples counseling can reduce the likelihood of divorce, therapists are not magicians and both parties in the relationship must be willing to do the work outside of the weekly therapy session. ‘Doing the work’ is hard and sadly, many people are simply either unwilling, or in some cases, not capable, of the work that is required to right a sinking ship.
In the worst-case scenario, divorce also happens when at least one person in the relationship goes out of their way to make the other person feel like a worthless burden. Emotional abuse is the tactic here. The abuser keeps their belittled partner feeling stuck and useless. When someone feels this way about themselves, they rarely have the energy or gumption to leave a bad relationship. After all, their spouse has made it perfectly clear that they are a burden and no one else would want them anyway. Sadly, many people believe this rhetoric that has been hammered into their heads for years, and so they become a depressed, anxious, dim version of their former selves. (If you need help leaving a situation like this, find more info here.)
So Now What?
If you’ve read this far and found these statistics to have a stinging effect, you might be wondering, but now what? There are many options if you find yourself contemplating divorce. First, admit to yourself that your relationship is unhealthy and that as a result, you (and your children) are likely to be impacted. Second, share this realization with a trusted friend, family member, doctor, or therapist. Third, talk to your spouse. Identify the problem, what you think you need to change, and some next steps. (Hint, don’t use blaming language or accuse them of ruining the relationship with their bad behavior- that will only cause them to shut down, lash out, or retaliate). Instead, approach this conversation with compassion and spaciousness; this is not a ‘one and done’ conversation. If you have tried to approach this subject, or these problems, before, without success, you may want to enlist a couple’s counselor, a mentor, or a mediator to make this a productive and serious conversation.
And, if you are totally over-talking about it and nothing is changing despite endless conversations and requests to go to therapy, I think you have your answer. If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you keep doing the same thing, you’ll likely keep getting the same result. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result?
Need Help Taking the Next Step?
Deciding whether to seek a divorce is arguably one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make. The arguing, the grief, the money, and the mental energy needed to get through this can be absolutely overwhelming. Please don’t make this decision alone. Talk to trusted confidants and seek wise guidance from a professional therapist. There is no prize for rushing this decision and a trained therapist can help you slow down and find your answers amid this storm of confusion.
If you live in Maryland, I would be happy to help you along this journey. I offer support groups for women contemplating divorce, and I also offer individual counseling sessions. Please contact me if you would like more information about working together.
Schedule Now. carrie@marylandtherapycarrie.com
Carrie Mead, LCPC is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Maryland and a registered telehealth provider in the state of South Carolina. Carrie Mead, LCPC helps adults who are living with anxiety, depression, and the impact of trauma. Many of Carrie Mead’s clients are facing the demands of working, raising their families, and caring for aging parents. If you would like to work with Carrie Mead, LCPC, please visit www.marylandtherapycarrie.com or call 443.951.3986 to schedule an appointment.
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Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.