Jenny Says So: The Post-Divorce Set-Up Parade
Dear Jenny,
I’m freshly divorced and still very much in the “my nervous system is doing construction work” phase. I’m not sitting around sobbing all day, but I also don’t feel shiny and ready to be someone’s plus-one at a wine bar. But— people are coming out of the woodwork to set me up.
A friend sent me a screenshot of this person’s Instagram and said, “They’re perfect for you.” My aunt told me, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone” (I almost dropped my phone). Someone at a party asked if I was “back out there yet” like I was returning a library book. I know they mean well, but it makes me feel like my divorce is being treated like a vacancy sign.
I’m also embarrassed because I don’t want to seem bitter or prudish. I just want space. I want to recalibrate. I want to learn who I am again before I’m asked to audition for a new relationship.
What do I do when someone tries to set me up immediately? How do I shut it down without hurting feelings—or getting sucked into a conversation I don’t want?
Love,
Not Ready in Nottingham
Dear Not Ready,
First: you’re allowed to heal at human speed. You are not a clearance rack. You are not a project. And you do not need to “prove you’re fine” by dating quickly.
Here’s the etiquette truth: when someone offers a set-up, you’re not rejecting them—you’re setting a boundary around your timeline. Kindness doesn’t require compliance.
Use VASE—Validate, Acknowledge, Support, Express—and keep it simple.
Validate: “That’s really thoughtful.”
Acknowledge: “I know you’re trying to support me.”
Support: “What helps most right now is friendship, not matchmaking.”
Express: “If that changes, I’ll tell you.”
Scripts you can steal:
“That’s so kind. I’m not dating yet—I’m focusing on stabilizing my life. But I really appreciate you thinking of me.”
“I’m taking a dating sabbatical. If/when I’m ready, I promise you’ll be the first to know.”
“Right now, the best support is inviting me to normal things—not introducing me to new people.”
If they push: “I hear you. And I’m still a no.”
You’re not behind. You’re just rebuilding.
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