Dear Jenny,
Iโm freshly divorced and still very much in the โmy nervous system is doing construction workโ phase. Iโm not sitting around sobbing all day, but I also donโt feel shiny and ready to be someoneโs plus-one at a wine bar. Butโ people are coming out of the woodwork to set me up.
A friend sent me a screenshot of this personโs Instagram and said, โTheyโre perfect for you.โ My aunt told me, โThe best way to get over someone is to get under someoneโ (I almost dropped my phone). Someone at a party asked if I was โback out there yetโ like I was returning a library book. I know they mean well, but it makes me feel like my divorce is being treated like a vacancy sign.
Iโm also embarrassed because I donโt want to seem bitter or prudish. I just want space. I want to recalibrate. I want to learn who I am again before Iโm asked to audition for a new relationship.
What do I do when someone tries to set me up immediately? How do I shut it down without hurting feelingsโor getting sucked into a conversation I donโt want?
Love,
Not Ready in Nottingham
Dear Not Ready,
First: youโre allowed to heal at human speed. You are not a clearance rack. You are not a project. And you do not need to โprove youโre fineโ by dating quickly.
Hereโs the etiquette truth: when someone offers a set-up, youโre not rejecting themโyouโre setting a boundary around your timeline. Kindness doesnโt require compliance.
Use VASEโValidate, Acknowledge, Support, Expressโand keep it simple.
Validate: โThatโs really thoughtful.โ
Acknowledge: โI know youโre trying to support me.โ
Support: โWhat helps most right now is friendship, not matchmaking.โ
Express: โIf that changes, Iโll tell you.โ
Scripts you can steal:
โThatโs so kind. Iโm not dating yetโIโm focusing on stabilizing my life. But I really appreciate you thinking of me.โ
โIโm taking a dating sabbatical. If/when Iโm ready, I promise youโll be the first to know.โ
โRight now, the best support is inviting me to normal thingsโnot introducing me to new people.โ
If they push: โI hear you. And Iโm still a no.โ
Youโre not behind. Youโre just rebuilding.
Check out more Jenny Says So
More from this issue
scroll for more โ