The BIFF Method: How to Communicate Effectively During Divorce
When you’re going through a divorce, especially if communication has been emotionally charged or painful—the way you respond can either help calm the storm or fan the flames. That’s where the BIFF Method comes in.
Developed by therapist and conflict-resolution expert Bill Eddy, the BIFF Method stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It’s a simple, powerful framework designed to help you communicate effectively with a high-conflict or emotionally reactive person—without getting pulled into old patterns or arguments.
At Fresh Starts, we teach this approach often because it helps people maintain clarity, dignity, and boundaries during some of the hardest conversations of their lives—whether it’s about parenting, finances, or logistics.
What Is the BIFF Method?
The BIFF Method helps you write or respond to messages (texts, emails, co-parenting apps, etc.) in a way that reduces conflict and keeps communication productive.
Here’s what each letter means:
B – Brief
Keep your message short and to the point. You don’t need to over-explain or defend yourself. The longer your message, the more opportunity there is for emotional escalation. A few sentences—focused only on the facts—are enough.
Example:
Instead of: “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you’d be late again. This always happens, and I’ve rearranged my entire schedule for you. You never think of anyone else.”
Try: “Got it, thanks for letting me know you’ll be late. Please pick up at 6:30 next time so we stay on schedule.”
I – Informative
Stick to facts, not feelings. Share only the information needed to move things forward. Avoid personal attacks, blame, or emotional storytelling—those belong in your journal or therapy session, not your co-parenting app.
Example: “The kids’ parent-teacher conference is on Thursday at 3:00 PM at Lincoln Elementary.”
No extra commentary. No defensiveness. Just clarity.
F – Friendly
Politeness disarms conflict. A friendly tone helps you stay in control and prevents the other person from using your message against you. You can be kind without being overly warm—think “professional and polite.”
Example: “Hope your week’s going well. Here’s the update from the school nurse—just wanted to keep you in the loop.”
F – Firm
End the conversation with clear boundaries. Firm doesn’t mean harsh—it means confident and conclusive. Don’t leave room for unnecessary back-and-forth. Say what you mean, state any next steps, and close respectfully.
Example: “The schedule for this weekend is confirmed. I’ll drop them off at 5:00 PM Sunday. Thanks.”
When to Use the BIFF Method
You can use BIFF anytime communication feels charged, confusing, or manipulative—especially when dealing with:
A high-conflict ex or co-parent
Family members who overstep during divorce
Emails with lawyers or mediators
Texts about logistics (school pickups, holidays, expenses)
Essentially, if a message makes your heart rate spike—pause, breathe, and try a BIFF response instead.
Why the BIFF Method Works
BIFF protects your emotional energy and credibility. It helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reactively, and builds a written record of calm, rational communication—something that matters if you’re ever in court.
It also allows you to parent (or simply live) from a place of groundedness instead of defensiveness. When you use BIFF, you’re showing that you’re capable of calm, solution-oriented communication, which benefits you, your children, and the process itself.
How to Practice BIFF Communication
Write your first draft. Then cut it in half.
Check tone: Would you be comfortable showing this to a judge or mediator?
Remove emotion words: Replace “I feel” with neutral facts.
End clearly: Add a final sentence that closes the loop, like “Let me know by Friday” or “That works for me.”
🪞 Pro tip: You can even create BIFF templates in your Notes app to copy and paste when emotions are high.
If you’re communicating with someone who has been emotionally or psychologically abusive, remember: your goal isn’t to make them understand you—it’s to protect your peace.
BIFF is not about winning or proving your point. It’s about setting emotional boundaries through language. It’s a way to say: I can’t control you, but I can control how I show up.
Staying Grounded Through Communication
Divorce communication can feel like walking on eggshells, especially when your ex thrives on chaos. But tools like BIFF give you a structure to rely on when emotions run high.
You can be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm—and still be kind, dignified, and strong.
If you’re rebuilding your life after divorce, remember: you don’t have to do it alone. The Fresh Starts community and our Expert Guide are here to help you find trauma-informed support—from divorce coaches to therapists—who can help you communicate and heal with confidence.