What Is Discernment Counseling—and Is It the Right Next Step?
A common question we hear is: “My spouse just said they want a divorce and suggested discernment counseling. I feel overwhelmed and frozen—should that really be the next step?”
If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath. You are not alone. It’s normal to feel blindsided when divorce is suddenly put on the table, especially when it’s brought up in the middle of conflict. Let’s talk about what discernment counseling is, how it works, and what your options are.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term, structured type of counseling designed for couples where one or both partners are unsure about staying married. It’s different from traditional marriage counseling.
Goal: Clarity, not necessarily reconciliation.
Format: Usually 1–5 sessions.
Focus: Helping each spouse reflect on the marriage, understand their role in the dynamic, and decide whether to:
Keep working on the marriage,
Move toward divorce, or
Pause for now.
Unlike therapy that tries to “fix” the marriage, discernment counseling helps couples determine if the marriage should continue at all.
When Is Discernment Counseling Helpful?
It can be helpful if:
One spouse is leaning toward leaving, and the other is leaning toward saving the marriage.
You feel stuck in repetitive conflict with no clear path forward.
You want clarity before filing for divorce or committing to long-term counseling.
It may not be the best fit if:
There is ongoing abuse, coercion, or safety concerns.
One spouse has already firmly decided on divorce and isn’t open to reflection.
What Are My Other Options?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that discernment counseling is optional. You could instead:
Meet individually with a therapist to process your own emotions.
Consult with a divorce coach or attorney to understand your legal and practical options.
Pause before making big decisions to allow yourself space to breathe.
There’s no one “right” next step—you get to decide what feels manageable for you.
FAQs About Discernment Counseling
How is discernment counseling different from marriage counseling? Marriage counseling works on fixing relationship patterns. Discernment counseling helps decide whether to stay married or separate.
How long does discernment counseling last? Typically 1–5 sessions—enough for clarity, not long-term therapy.
Does discernment counseling mean we’re definitely divorcing? No. It’s about exploring whether divorce or reconciliation makes more sense. Some couples use it as a springboard for deeper counseling.
Is discernment counseling worth it if my spouse has already checked out? It can provide closure, but if one partner is firmly committed to leaving, it may not change the outcome.
A Gentle Reminder
Feeling shocked, frozen, or overwhelmed after hearing “I want a divorce” is completely normal. You don’t need to have all the answers today. Discernment counseling can offer clarity—but so can slowing down, taking space, and finding your own support system.
At Fresh Starts, we have therapists, divorce coaches, and legal experts in our Expert Guide who can walk with you as you process this moment and figure out your next steps.
If you’re in the very beginning stages, download our free ebook, What to Consider When You’re Considering Divorce. It includes checklists, scripts, and compassionate advice for when you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start.
Your fresh start begins with one small step forward—even if today that step is simply pausing to breathe.