Jenny Says So: The Group Chat After the Breakup
Dear Jenny,
I didn’t realize how much of my social life lived in group chats until my divorce turned them into landmines.
We have a long-standing friend group chat—birthdays, memes, weekend plans, “who’s bringing what,” all of it. And now my ex is still in it. Sometimes they act totally normal, like nothing happened. Sometimes they post like they’re auditioning for “Most Unbothered Person Alive.” Either way, my stomach drops every time I see their name pop up.
I don’t want to make it weird for everyone. I also don’t want to quietly disappear and lose the friendships that have held me for years. But I’m exhausted by the constant micro-decisions: Do I react to the joke? Do I answer the plan? Do I ignore everything and look petty? Do I leave and make a dramatic exit? Do I start a new chat and risk it feeling like I’m asking people to pick sides?
And then there’s the part that’s hard to admit: I’m not ready to watch my ex banter with our friends like we’re all fine. I’m healing. I’m trying to rebuild my identity. And the group chat makes it feel like the divorce is happening in public, in real time, in 20-message bursts.
What’s the etiquette here? How do I navigate shared group chats after a split without losing my community or my mind?
Love,
Spiraling in Santa Fe
Dear Spiraling,
Group chats are the modern town square—and after a divorce, that can feel like you’re trying to heal inside a glass box. So first: you’re not dramatic. You’re overloaded.
Here’s the etiquette rule: you don’t have to stay in a social container that keeps re-opening the wound. Boundaries aren’t “making it weird.” They’re how you remain functional.
You’ve got three polite, grown-up options—and you can use different ones for different seasons:
Option 1: Quietly mute + minimize.
This is the “protect your peace without announcing it” path. Mute the chat, respond only to logistics, and let yourself step back.
Option 2: Create a parallel chat (without making it a sides thing).
Script: “Hey loves—starting a smaller thread for plans/check-ins. No drama, just easier for me right now. You’re welcome to be in both.”
Option 3: Ask for a clean separation. (Best with one trusted friend or the unofficial group organizer.)
Script: “Can we do two chats for a while? I’m still healing and the shared thread is tough.”
And if anyone says, “Can’t you just be chill?” you can say:
“I am being chill. This is me being chill.”
You’re not asking people to choose. You’re choosing a softer place to land.
Jenny Says So.
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