Coming Out Post-Divorce

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by Myisha Battle of Sex for Life, LLC

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“I know that I can officially be excited to date again, but I’m terrified and I don’t know where to start.” This is how many of my consultation calls begin with recently separated or divorced people who feel ready to jump into the wild world of dating. But there’s an added layer of uncertainty for those who are hoping to date people of different genders than their ex, especially if they have no experience in the queer dating world.

While there’s no specific data on how many marriages end because of a partner coming out as LGBTQ+, it’s not uncommon for people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond to come out as something other than straight or cisgender. The fact is that it still feels taboo to discuss how gender and identity shifts can create ripple effects in our romantic lives. Depending on the relationship, new sexual self-knowledge could mean having to leave a marriage or being rejected by a partner who doesn’t support your need to explore your gender or sexual identity.

Stepping back into dating post-divorce is a brave feat for anyone, especially when you consider the chaotic landscape of dating apps, catfishing and ghosting. If you want to explore dating as someone who has recently come to better understand your gender or sexual identity (or both!), things can feel particularly precarious. Will you be accepted? How do you discuss your past relationships or should you? How do you navigate through queer terminology and unfamiliar cultural norms? You might be dying to have the opportunity to express who you are more fully in relationships, but does that mean you’re ready?

While dating after or while coming out poses unique challenges, there are ways that you can ease yourself into the process, build community and find the best partner(s) for you!

Join Social Groups

One of the hardest parts of starting to date within the LGBTQ+ community is often feeling like you don’t deserve to be a part of that community as someone who identified as straight for so long. That’s why joining social groups focused on your identity or orientation can be so helpful. There are groups for people coming out later in life, lesbian sports groups, queer dance classes, gay book clubs, trans picnics, and pretty much anything else you can think of. Consider an interest of yours and look for affinity groups focused on that interest. You may be limited to online events if you live in a smaller town, but that’s okay and may even be preferable for finding people you can connect with.

Consider Dating Apps

While dating apps can be overwhelming, they are also very helpful for helping LGBTQ+ people find each other. You can start on any of the big apps like Hinge, Tinder and Bumble or create a profile on an app designed specifically for LGBTQ+ dating like HER, Lex, and Grindr. You might also appreciate an app like Feeld because it’s inclusive and sex-positive. If you’ve never done any form of online dating, take your time and start small with just one app. Be as open as you can in your profile.

Get Support

Many people who come out during or after divorce notice that they don’t have many single friends who can empathize with what they’re going through and they may not have many (or any) people in their life who are openly LGBTQ+. That means that exploring sex and dating can feel really isolating. Working with a therapist, counselor or coach can help you feel less alone. You’ll need affirming people around you to encourage you to live the life you’re meant to live.

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Learn more about and how to work with Myisha Battle here!

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Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.

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