Why We Stay When We Know We Should Leave
We often tell ourselves that leaving is a matter of willpower. The reality is more complex: most people stay because of fear, fear of homelessness, financial ruin, losing children, social judgment, or escalation of violence. Understanding the why is the first step toward a safer, more strategic exit.
Why fear keeps people in place
Financial control: Abusers commonly control money, credit, and access to documents, leaving the abused feeling they literally cannot survive on their own.
Isolation and alienation: Abusers cut ties to friends and family, leaving the abused with no support network and nowhere to go.
Threats and manipulation: Phrases like “If you leave I’ll take the kids,” “You’re not smart enough to make it,” or “I’ll kill myself” are meant to terrify and paralyze. These tactics work.
Risk to children: Parents fear solo time between an abusive ex and the children, or losing custody battles complicated by resources and legal knowledge.
Hope and loyalty: People often believe the abuser will change, or they stay out of guilt, “they need me” and perceived loyalty, “They are always there”. Codependency can obscure red flags until the situation escalates.
Two composite vignettes
“Maya” worked part-time and had no access to the joint bank account. Her partner isolated her from friends and threatened to take the kids if she tried to leave. She delayed leaving until she secured steady income, and her kids were old enough to leave the home, an intentional step that made her eventual exit sustainable. Although she stayed too long, the damage was long-lasting.
“Carlos” stayed because every attempt to leave was matched by escalating threats. He finally left after a fight where the cops came and one of them connected him with a victim’s advocate. But Carlos also stayed too long; he also stayed for his kids, to protect them from their mother’s abuse. Support from a friend & divorce coach made all the difference.
Practical steps to prepare and leave safely
Start with a plan. Create a list of essential documents (IDs, birth certificates, financial records) and, if safe, copy them to a secure location, preferably a protection email.
Build discreet resources. Open a private email account, “the protection email”, and, if possible, a separate bank account in your name. Keep an emergency bag with essentials in a hidden spot, not in the house or car. You need them off-site in a protected place. Also, add cash and credit cards only in your name to this bag for financial security
Document abuse. Keep a dated record of incidents, texts, photos, medical records. This can be sent to the protection email. This can help with protective orders or custody disputes. Store copies offsite or in the cloud with secure passwords.
Reach out to trusted allies. Your divorce coach should know your plan, but try to keep this information to yourself until you are ready to implement. That said, a single friend, neighbor, or coworker who knows your plan when you are close to implementing could be very helpful. If isolation is extreme, connect with professionals such as your divorce coach, therapists, and, if you have an attorney, can give you the support you will need as you move forward.
Make a safety-first exit plan. Consider timing, routes, childcare, where you will stay, and how to secure protection with video services. Do not confront an abuser about leaving if you expect violence; involve authorities or advocates when needed. The most dangerous time in any relationship is the moment you go to leave, or talk about it, or they find that you have written or talked to a divorce professional.
You don’t have to do this alone If you’re thinking about leaving but aren’t sure how to start, confidential help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for immediate, expert support.
If you’d like a private consultation about your situation and next steps, schedule a confidential appointment: https://calendly.com/tinahusggins/complimentary-confidential-consultation or text me at 719-580-6684.
Leaving is rarely a single moment; it’s a sequence of small, deliberate steps. With planning, support, and safety first, you can move from fear to freedom.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.
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