Jenny Says So: “But Divorce Is So Hard on the Kids…”
Dear Jenny,
I need a script for something that keeps happening, because every time it does, I feel like I get punched in the throat.
When people find out I’m divorcing, someone inevitably says, “But divorce is so hard on the kids…” Sometimes it’s said gently, like concern. Sometimes it’s said like an accusation wearing a cardigan. Either way, it lands the same: like I’m being irresponsible, selfish, or reckless.
Here’s the thing: I know it’s hard on the kids. I think about it constantly. I’ve stayed up late researching co-parenting. I’ve cried in the shower so my kids wouldn’t hear. I’ve gone to therapy. I’m trying to do everything “right.” But I also know what it was like inside my marriage. The tension. The walking on eggshells. The way the air changed when someone walked in the room. The version of me my kids were getting when I was depleted and bracing all the time.
I don’t want to explain my whole life story to someone at soccer practice. But I also don’t want to just smile and absorb the shame.
What do I say when someone throws that sentence at me—especially when I’m already carrying the guilt?
Love,
Tight-Chested in Toronto
Dear Tight-Chested,
That comment is one of society’s favorite shortcuts: it skips right over context and goes straight to judgment. And it’s especially unfair because it assumes the only “hard” option is divorce—when living in chronic conflict is also hard on kids. Sometimes, staying is the thing that quietly erodes everyone.
Here’s the etiquette truth: you don’t owe strangers your justification. You owe your children safety, stability, and love—and you’re clearly doing the work.
Use VASE: Validate, Acknowledge, Support, Express.
Try:
“Absolutely—kids feel change deeply. That’s why we’re being really intentional and getting support. I’m not going into details, but this decision was made with their long-term wellbeing in mind.”
If the person is pushy or preachy:
“I hear your concern. And I’m not taking feedback on this.”
If you want a softer close:
“Thank you for caring. We’re focusing on creating a calmer home.”
You can be compassionate without accepting shame.
And you can protect your kids without performing your pain for the public.
Jenny Says So.
Check out more Jenny Says So
More from this issue
scroll for more →