When Divorce Crosses the Line Into Fear
Divorce is in full swing or maybe it is over and done with and suddenly you find yourself facing a decision of whether a restraining order is needed to restrain your ex spouse and protect yourself and your kids.
What do you do?
You know it is an investment as it will cost you a lot of money and it is also scary because you do not know the reaction it will bring out in the other party. Will it make it worse? Will it calm things down? Will it make your life more challenging? Will kids resent you? Where do you start? Do you have enough evidence to prove your former spouse is an aggressor and wants to hurt you? Maybe there were no bruises but the threat is there and it is just a matter of timeā¦
So many questions are just flooding through your head and you seem to have no answer. All you know is you donāt feel safe and keep watching over your shoulder.
Letās walk through this together and get this all sorted out.
The most important thing to remember is you cannot control how the other party will act or respond to this filing. Highly likely it wonāt be civil otherwise you wouldnāt feel the need to file a request for a restraining order, would you? If things were civil and mutually respectful, these 2 words wouldnāt be a part of your vocabulary at this point and time, correct?
The truth is the situation between you and your ex escalated to the level where you no longer feel safe.
So where do you start? First and foremost, educate yourself on what Domestic Violence is under the Family Law Code. Understand what falls under that umbrella and think if your situation can be qualified as such.
Then document, document and one more time document! Document every incident, every communication, every phone call that was used to threaten, intimidate or harass you.
Just remember, even though on its own they may look small and insignificant, when they are put together, they paint a very different picture.
Also donāt be afraid to call the police to protect yourself if for instance he is following you to your car and you asked him to stop or he is threatening you with physical harm. Even if they are not able to do anything at that very moment but to separate him from you, at the very least there will be a police report about the incident.
Next, think about potential witnesses who saw this occur - were your children present there? Were there people you know who may be able to provide a statement to summarize what they saw? Have a list of that as well.
And finally, when you know you are ready - reach out to your attorney and hand over the reins. If this is all happening amidst your divorce, your counsel is probably already aware of this as I would recommend reporting the incidents as they occur. Otherwise, the attorney will ask to outline what happened, dates, online communications, potential witnesses, police calls, etc. But you already have all that information collected and organized, right?
Based on what your attorney sees, they may file an urgent request to protect you and your children called ex-parte. In this case a temporary restraining order is issued and the hearing is set shortly after (in CA) to determine if permanent restraining order is warranted. If there is no immediate danger, your attorney will file a motion and set a date on the calendar for this case to be heard. And thatās where you get an opportunity to speak about your experiences, why you feel unsafe, prior history and more. Your ex-spouse will do the same. The judge will decide based on the presented if they see the danger is real.
I know how scary and overwhelming this sounds. However 2 things to remember:
It is up to you to protect yourself and your children - you have the tools and resources available and you are never alone. Work with a divorce advisor who is knowledgeable and experienced in those cases and they will prepare you strategically and emotionally for this process. They can even be there for you in court to support if you wish to do so.
Domestic Violence laws are slowly adjusting to the abuse that is hard to see on the surface - it is now better understood and recognized by the courts and the judges.
If you find yourself that this is the mountain you have to climb - remember you are stronger than you think. Even though the terrain is rough, you are now prepared and ready.
You got this!
This blogpost was originally posted here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original authorās perspective.