Why is There So Much Shame Around Divorce?

I’ve never understood why divorce carries so much shame.

When my marriage ended, something surprised me. My friends weren’t embarrassed for me. They were proud of me.

They were proud that I didn’t feel ashamed.

I didn’t feel shame about my marriage ending. I didn’t feel shame that my husband chose not to be the partner I believed he was.
I didn’t feel shame for not “trying harder for the kids.”
I didn’t feel shame for being sad, panicked, or emotionally unsteady at times.

I felt pride.

Pride that I didn’t intertwine my failed marriage with my children’s relationship with their father.
Pride that I mostly took the high road. (I’m human. I had a few low-road moments.)

But shame? No.

That’s what seemed to separate my experience from so many others.

Because shame is one of the most unbearable emotions there is. When I feel it, it consumes me. I start bargaining with myself. I mentally calculate how many good things I’ll need to do to offset it. I question my worth.

I remember being sixteen, deep in the throes of adolescence, and behaving in a way I’m not proud of — so badly that I made my mom cry and throw up! My behavior was so rotten that I made my mother physically ill! Even now, thinking about that moment makes my throat tighten and my face flush. I feel unworthy.

That’s shame.

Now imagine carrying that while your marriage is falling apart.

You’re trying to hold it together at work — or panicking because you haven’t worked in years.
You’re protecting your kids from the emotional fallout.
You’re putting on a brave face so your friends won’t pity you.
You’re not even sure you’re allowed to grieve something that maybe wasn’t even that good. (You are. Grief is required.)

Divorce will never be easy. But if you remove shame from the equation, it becomes clearer. Lighter. More survivable.

So how did I avoid it?

It wasn’t some Jedi-like emotional superpowers. It was facts. I didn’t spiral into “what-ifs” or rewrite history. I looked at what actually happened.

Here were my facts:

• My husband behaved in ways that felt disrespectful to me.

• He made decisions about our future without openness to compromise.

• He did not keep his promise to me.

• I clearly stated what would be impossible for me to stay married through — and he chose that path anyway.

• I knew my uncrossable line.

• I knew the example I wanted to set for my children.

• I knew my worth.

The facts told me this was not a reflection of my value as a woman, a wife, or a mother.

It was simply what happened.

Maybe I would have felt shame if I had stayed and allowed myself to be treated in ways that violated my core values. That would have eroded my self-respect.

Leaving didn’t.

It still broke my heart. It still hurt deeply to realize the partner I thought I had was willing to risk our life together without trying to correct course.

But his choices were not a flaw in me.

They were choices.

There is nothing shameful about recognizing your line.
There is nothing shameful about refusing to shrink yourself to keep a marriage intact.
There is nothing shameful about divorce.

And yes — sometimes someone made a mistake or a choice so poor that irrevocable damage was done. Sometimes someone was a really crummy spouse.

That’s being human.

You can feel remorse.
You can take accountability.
You can repair what you’re able to repair — especially with your children.

But shame is different.

---

Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.