Think You’re Divorcing a Narcissist? What to Do Before You Tell Them
There is a very specific kind of fear that comes with thinking about divorce when you have no idea how your spouse is going to react. Maybe every difficult conversation somehow gets turned back on you. Maybe keeping the peace has become your full-time job. Maybe you’ve spent years being the reasonable one, the accommodating one, the person who gives a little more because it feels easier than dealing with what happens when you don’t. So how do you finally say, I want a divorce, when you believe the person on the other side of that conversation may become highly reactive or high-conflict? In this episode of Divorce Happens, Olivia Howell talks with Courtney Harkness, certified divorce coach and divorce strategist, about preparing to leave a high-conflict marriage with clarity, strategy, and support.
Courtney came to this work through her own experience leaving a 21-year high-conflict marriage, finalizing her divorce in 2024, and exiting the business she had co-founded with her former husband. Today, she primarily helps successful, high-achieving women navigate high-conflict divorce. Her first piece of advice is deceptively simple: once divorce is on the table, stop assuming you and your spouse are approaching the process as one team. That does not mean becoming cruel, retaliatory, or combative. It means understanding that protecting your future is not the same thing as being unkind. Courtney talks about the particular challenge this creates for people pleasers, who may believe that staying agreeable, giving up assets, or avoiding boundaries will somehow keep a divorce amicable. As she explains, civility and self-protection can exist at the same time.
This conversation gets deeply practical, too. Courtney shares why she encourages clients to prepare before announcing their decision, consult with divorce professionals ahead of time, think carefully about where that conversation takes place, avoid revealing every negotiation priority, and—perhaps most importantly—learn not to react every time a high-conflict spouse tries to provoke an emotional response. Her mantra is powerful: your superpower is not reacting. Whether you are considering divorce, preparing to leave a high-conflict marriage, dealing with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic traits, or simply trying to understand how to begin the divorce process, this episode offers a roadmap for moving from fear and chaos toward preparation, strategy, peace, and the belief that this difficult season will not last forever.
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