When Financial Confusion Is Not the Same as Financial Abuse
by Donna S. Cates of Money Matters Wealth Solutions, CDFA® – Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, Wealth Builder & Divorce Financial Strategist
Understanding the Difference—and Knowing When to Seek Help
By Donna S. Cates, CDFA®, CRPC®, Financial Strategist, Wealth Builder
Many women come to me quietly and say some version of the same thing:
“I don’t know if I was financially abused or if I just didn’t handle the money.”
That question matters. A great deal.
While not understanding household finances is common and fixable, financial abuse is serious, dangerous, and often requires professional support beyond financial planning.
My goal is not to label or diagnose. It’s to help women understand the difference so they can get the right kind of help at the right time.
Financial Abuse Isn’t About Who Paid the Bills
Let’s start with something important:
Not managing the money in your household does not automatically mean you were financially abused.
In many marriages, roles naturally evolve. One partner may handle the day-to-day finances while the other focuses on career, children, or caregiving. Trust is involved. Life gets busy. Years pass.
I work with many women who simply say,
“He handled it, and I didn’t ask enough questions.”
That’s not abuse. That’s a knowledge gap, and knowledge gaps can be closed.
Financial abuse is something different.
What Financial Abuse Actually Looks Like
Financial abuse is about control, restriction, and fear, not just lack of information.
One client shared that she had to ask permission to spend money, even on necessities. Another didn’t know where accounts were held but was repeatedly told, “You wouldn’t understand anyway.” A third discovered debt in her name that she never agreed to.
These women weren’t just uninformed. They were kept that way.
True financial abuse may include:
Being denied access to bank accounts or financial records
Having their spending monitored, restricted, or punished
Being discouraged or intimidated when asking financial questions
Debt being taken on in your name without your consent
Feeling fear or anxiety around money discussions
If reading that made your stomach tighten, that’s worth paying attention to.
Financial Confusion, on the Other Hand, Looks Like This
By contrast, financial confusion often sounds like:
“I trusted him to handle it.”
“I knew generally what we had, but not the details.”
“I wasn’t excluded. I just wasn’t involved.”
One woman told me, “He never stopped me from looking at the accounts. I just didn’t.”
That’s an important distinction.
Financial confusion can be addressed with education, transparency, and support. Financial abuse requires safety, advocacy, and often counseling or legal intervention.
Why the Distinction Matters So Much During Divorce
Divorce tends to magnify whatever financial dynamic already existed.
Women who are financially uninvolved may feel overwhelmed, but with the right guidance, they can learn, ask questions, and gain clarity.
Women who were financially abused may experience:
Panic when asked to gather documents
Fear of confrontation or retaliation
Difficulty with trusting professionals
A deep sense of shame that doesn’t belong to them
In these cases, financial planning alone is not enough. Emotional and psychological support is not a weakness; it’s a protective step.
A Gentle Check-In: No Labels Required
If you’re unsure where you fall, consider these questions:
Were you able to access financial information if you wanted to?
Did asking questions feel safe or risky?
Was information withheld, or simply not discussed?
Did money ever feel like a tool of control?
You don’t need to diagnose yourself. You just need to be honest with yourself.
The Right Help Makes All the Difference
If your situation points toward financial confusion, working with a financial professional can help you gain confidence, understanding, and control.
If it points toward financial abuse, please know this:
You are not alone, and this is not your fault. Financial abuse is real, and support from counselors, advocates, and legal professionals is not only appropriate but also essential.
As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®, my role is to bring clarity, not judgment. And part of clarity is knowing when financial guidance is enough, and when a broader support team is needed.
A Final Word Especially for Women Standing at the Crossroads
Understanding your financial situation is an act of strength.
Whether you’re learning for the first time or reclaiming control after years of restriction, you deserve safety, respect, and clarity.
If something in this article resonated with you, don’t dismiss it. Listen gently. Then take the next step that supports you.
Because when it comes to money, knowledge is empowering, but safety always comes first.
If you’re unsure whether your experience reflects financial confusion or financial abuse, reach out to a qualified professional who can help you assess your situation and connect you with the right resources. Asking for support is not overreacting. It’s protecting yourself.
RESOURCES:
If You’re Unsure Whether You’re Experiencing Financial Abuse
The resources below can help you assess your situation and connect with appropriate financial, legal, or emotional support based on your needs.
National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org)
Confidential support for individuals experiencing control or abuse, including financial abuse. Advocates can help you assess risk and explore safe next steps.
📞 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) | Online chat availableWomen’s Law (www.womenslaw.org)
Plain-language, state-specific legal information on financial rights, divorce, protection orders, and safety considerations.National Network to End Domestic Violence (nnedv.org)
Educational materials explaining financial abuse, common warning signs, and pathways to advocacy and support.Financial Therapy Association (financialtherapyassociation.org)
Connects individuals with professionals who address the emotional and behavioral aspects of money alongside practical education.Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) (institutedfa.com)
A CDFA can help you understand your financial picture, identify information gaps versus control issues, and coordinate with legal or therapeutic professionals when appropriate.
Divorce Guide Note:
If money has ever been used to control, intimidate, or restrict you, additional support beyond financial planning may be appropriate. Reaching out for guidance is a protective step, not an overreaction.
Disclosures
Money Matters Wealth Solutions is a dba of The Wealth Boutique, a registered investment advisor with the Securities and Exchange Commission. The Wealth Boutique and each of the DBAs are not under common ownership but are owned and operated separately. The Wealth Boutique provides all financial planning and advisory services. All investments involve risk and, unless otherwise stated, are not guaranteed. Be sure to consult with a tax professional before implementing any investment strategy.| Full Disclosure | CRS
This content was generated with AI assistance. While we strive for accuracy, AI may not capture all current laws and market conditions. This information is for informational purposes only and should not be considered personalized financial advice. Always consult a licensed financial advisor for decisions tailored to your unique situation and goals. AI is used to enhance insights, not replace professional guidance.
Estate Gurus, an independent third-party provider, offers Estate Planning Services. The Wealth Boutique may engage third-party service providers to assist with the tax and estate planning portion of the services provided to clients. In addition, The Wealth Boutique may use third-party software to analyze a client’s information to help with the provision of estate planning services. Women's Wealth Boutique is not a law firm, nor are any employees acting in the capacity of an attorney or providing legal advice, as Women’s Wealth Boutique is not a law firm and therefore not permitted to practice law. Fees for third-party estate planning services are in addition to the financial planning fees charged by The Wealth Boutique. They are collected directly by that third party based on the client’s direct relationship with the third-party estate planning vendor.
Donna Cates is a licensed insurance agent. From time to time, she will offer clients advice or products from those activities. Clients should be aware that these services pay a commission and involve a conflict of interest, as commissionable products can conflict with the fiduciary duties of a registered investment adviser. This conflict of interest is addressed through the supervision of insurance recommendations and by not recommending insurance products unless a documented insurance need exists. These products are separate from the investment advisory services provided by The Women’s Wealth Advisor, DBA Money Matters Wealth Solutions
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