Understanding Co-dependency on the Empath Journey
by Candice Erickson-Perham founder of Indiglow Soul, Healer
I'm getting real about something that might be playing out in your life more than you realize – codependency on the empath journey.
So, when I first heard about it, I shrugged it off, thinking, "Not me. I'm as independent as they come." But turns out, there was more to it. It's about getting too wrapped up in someone else's world, often at the expense of your own. Sound familiar?
Let me share some stories from my own journey – the messy parts, the wake-up calls. We'll explore signs, causes, and most importantly, how to release yourself from codependency.
Starting with a few definitions that I believe explain it pretty well.
According to Judith Orloff, "codependency is an unhealthy form of dependency. This occurs when you are more focused on another person’s life and problems than your own. You are reluctant to assert your needs or set clear boundaries for fear of the consequences." The Holistic Psychologist says “codependency is a learned pattern of chronic neglect of self in order to gain love, approval, or validation. We learn this pattern as children through our earliest attachments (relationships) with parents."
Now, let me throw in a personal story that hits close to home. A number of years ago my husband and I were navigating fertility issues, dealing with multiple miscarriages in a short timeframe. I remember talking with a family member about the difficulty of it all and how my hormones were all over the place. Their response? "Aren't you over that yet?" I was caught off guard but thought, "Well, I guess I am now". You need me to be okay, so I'll be okay, I stuffed it down and looking back, I see the co-dependent dance in that relationship – if I wasn't doing okay, they weren't either. It's a pattern that echoes in my family dynamics, shaping me in profound ways.
Let's shift gears and talk about codependency from an approval-seeking angle and how society nudges us along. Schools, workplaces, sports and social circles become arenas where approval defines our worth. We're taught from a young age that our sense of self comes from others – grades in school, performance in sports, workplace evaluations. If you've got those underlying codependent tendencies, society turns up the volume. At the core of codependency lies a deep fear of abandonment, entwined with emotional addictions and unresolved traumas.
Let's focus on the causes of Co-dependency
Dysfunctional Family Environments
In a dysfunctional family, there is an insecure environment, and your needs aren’t always able to be met. A few characteristics of a dysfunctional family environment are. Chaotic, unsupportive, scary, neglectful, manipulative, abusive, shaming, judgmental, denial. These relationship dynamics from our family carry on into our adulthood. Our parent child relationship can form our attachment style. This is probably the most impactful one for me, I had a very chaotic environment growing up and learned early on that it was easier for me to not ask for help or do it myself then to involve someone else. This is where my hyper independence was create.
Trauma/Abuse
Any type of trauma or abuse can be a cause for codependency. Childhood trauma may affect a stable sense of self. We depended on our caregivers and if they were abusive it can damage our own perception of self. This can also cause you to repeat similar patterns in adulthood, not only with personal relationships but in your work as well. Whenever we cater to the needs or the reality of someone else above our own needs we are becoming codependent. Through energy healing I uncovered repressed childhood abuse and realized that my intuition and trusting myself had been stripped from me. I had been trusting people who were hurting me and I had no choice as a child. Now I have a choice and I've learned to love and trust myself again and that's it's not selfish to put my needs ahead of someone else, even if they don't like it and my empath self can feel the conflict it's creating.
Criticism/Bullying
The messages we receive early in life have a long lasting impact on how we view ourselves and the people around us. Ask yourself; were you put down by your parents or peers? Did you suffer bullying in school? These behaviors you experienced likely came from people you loved and/or you trusted. This can make you lose trust and create a sense of having no control. Due to this you may rely on others to validate you and reassure you.
Substance Abuse
In this type of relationship both the addict and the other individual are using each other for support in different ways. They form patterns as they both try to fight the illness. We end up in the role of “fixer”. It’s ok to help people but should not become overwhelming to the point of losing yourself.
Signs of codependency may be subtle
It took me years to recognize them within myself. For me it presented as a deep need for approval, minimizing my personal needs, taking on too much (miss independent over here thought she wasn't co-dependent when actually I was and didn't realize that my family dysfunction created it by not being stable and I needed to do everything for myself and feeling bad if I needed help). For me, the awakening came when I realized my tendency to over give, driven by an insatiable need for approval.
Deep Need for Approval
All of us have a need to be accepted, codependents take that to another level and base their entire self-worth on the opinions of other people. A codependent’s version of approval may be different from a “typical” version of what other people would look for in a relationship. They may hold themselves or the relationship to a high or unrealistic, standard and become upset when they feel rejected. This is when I knew I was codependent. The awareness that my behavior of holding myself to unrealistic expectations as well as others really hit home for me. This has played out in many of my personal relationships where I tend to “over give” to others because I have a deep need for them to approve of me. I had never really contemplated if I actually like them or not, my main driver was to have them like me. This played out in my corporate job too, always going above and beyond and taking on more work with little to no reward.
Always Apologizing
Codependents take the blame, even when it isn’t their fault. We would rather defuse a potentially hostile situation than do anything to disturb the peace within a relationship.
Minimizing own needs/desires
Often, we will put down their own desires or goals in order to prioritize those of the other individual in the relationship. We will play small so others receive the light.
Guilty when doing something for self
If we do something for ourselves, we often will feel a sense of guilt, like we have done something wrong.
Doing anything even if it makes you uncomfortable
Codependent will do anything, to make people happy. No matter what is asked of us, we would rather keep people happy even it makes us uncomfortable.
Making excuses for partner
Excusing their partners inappropriate, abusive or harmful behavior. We feel responsible for excusing our partners behavior because we see that relationship as an extension of ourselves.
Taking on too much
As a codependent we will take on a great deal of responsibility in order to please a partner or parent or earn praise. This can become overwhelming and burn us out. We might do this in order to avoid conflict and to try and keep the other individual happy. We are always reading the room… if I don’t take this on, then who will, I don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable, so I have to do this. Does this sound familiar? This played out in my corporate job for years. I was always the "go to" for people. I was the one helping everyone else and doing my own work in the late evenings or early mornings. Everyone else was more important than me and I had to show up for them or I wouldn't be approved of or they might provide poor feedback on my year end evaluation. You see how these layer into each other?
Unable to find time for self
We are so busy pleasing other people, we have no time to simply relax or engage in activities we truly care for. This contributes to low self-esteem and not really knowing who we are. We may also fall behind on our health or other relationships begin to suffer.
Feeling a loss of self
With all of our time focused outside of ourselves, we can feel like we have lost who we truly are. Have you ever had someone ask you what you do for fun and have a total panic attack because you can’t think of one thing? That’s what happened to me. I had spent so many years “worried” about everyone else and how they felt, I had completely lost who I was and what I liked.
So now what, we know the causes and signs of co-dependency, now what do we do?
We heal from it, we heal the self-neglect, we learn to love ourselves, and we learn to set boundaries.
Untangle yourself from other people
As Codependents we tend to get entangled in other people's problems. We try to fix, control, rescue, give advice, and force solutions on people. Focusing on other people's problems, distracts us from owning our part in the problems and changing ourselves. Our emotions may also be dependent on other people’s feelings. It might be that when your spouse or coworker is in a good mood, you’re in a good mood and when they’re in a bad mood, so are you. Or you may have difficulty recognizing your own feelings; you’ve become detached from yourself because you’re constantly concerned about how other people feel. We can untangle from others by learning to detach with love and stop enabling. Detaching is similar to setting boundaries. Detaching puts healthy emotional or physical space between you and your loved one so you both have the freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings. Detaching can include leaving an uncomfortable or unsafe situation, not engaging in an argument, saying no, or refraining from giving advice. For me, this has been a huge part of clearing the emotional baggage I was carrying around and I was able to release a lot of programming and generational patterns with energy work. Once I became aware of my patterns/behaviors and then began to notice them in real time I was able to take a step back and respond/react differently then I had previously. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible to re-program and heal.
Own your part
Sometimes, we struggle to own our part in our dysfunctional relationships or problems. Instead, we tend to blame others. It’s easier to say I don’t have time for myself because my spouse needs me, or I’m too busy working to take of my own needs. When we blame others for our problems, we act like victims, basing our happiness on whether other people will change. Gaining awareness means accepting responsibility for ourselves, but not assuming responsibility for what other grown adults do. You aren’t responsible for anyone other than yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness and health, which means you have choices and can do the things you need to for yourself.
This is a hard one for me, I definitely thought I was responsible for everyone else and that I had to sacrifice my needs/wants so others wouldn’t be uncomfortable. I really have to take a pause and do a lot of self-talk around, is this my responsibility? Ultimately I get to choose what happens next. This takes practice and I started really small, I started with asking myself if certain situations or conversations "felt loving to me" as I have strengthened my intuition I can hear the answers and I've learned to listen them.
Know Yourself
Enmeshment in codependent families prevents us from developing a deep understanding of ourselves. We learned to suppress who we are to please others and avoid conflicts. In adulthood, we tend to stay enmeshed or focus on other people such that we really don’t know who we are, what we like, or what we want. We become defined by our roles (wife, husband, father, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, etc.) instead of seen as the complex individuals that we are. Getting to know ourselves isn’t self-centered or selfish. It’s a healthy interest and respect for ourselves. It means that we care about ourselves and are curious about who we are.
Love Yourself
Our focus on pacifying, pleasing, and taking care of others, coupled with fears of rejection and inadequacy often keep us stuck in unsatisfying relationships where we accept disrespect, abuse, or loneliness. We must gather the courage to be and love our authentic selves in order to recover from codependency.
In unraveling the layers of codependency, we embark on a journey of self-discovery, healing, and empowerment. Remember, there is strength in acknowledging where you are and courage in taking steps toward where you want to be.
The path to breaking free from codependency is uniquely yours, and each step you take is a triumph. Embrace the journey with compassion for yourself, for it is through self-love and understanding that profound transformations occur.
If this discussion has resonated with you, if you've recognized aspects of your journey in these words, I invite you to take the next step. It's time to invest in your well-being, to explore the depths of your authentic self.
Book a free discovery call where we can talk about your unique experiences and discuss how my 8-session Empowered Empath Program can guide you towards lasting transformation. This program is designed not just to understand but to empower and equip you with the tools to embrace your true self and foster healthier connections.
Remember, your journey to empowerment begins with a single choice. I look forward to connecting with you and being a part of your transformative path.
Refer to the following books for additional information that was provided for this blog post.
Codependency Recovery Workbook: Linda Hill
Codependent No More: Melody Beattie
How to Do the Work: Dr. Nicole LePera
The Empath's Survival Guide: Judith Orloff
This blogpost was originally posted on Indiglow Soul and has been shared at the express consent of the original author.
Learn more about and how to work with Indiglow Soul and Candice here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.