Why You Deserve to Walk Away from a Toxic Marriage (And Why It’s Okay to Choose Yourself)
by Lisa Happ founder of Lisa Happ Coaching, Divorce Coach
There’s a moment many women reach quietly—often after many years of agonizing over the decision to leave.
Not in the middle of a fight.
Not after a single “bad” incident.
But in the stillness—maybe it’s early in the morning, maybe it’s late at night—when something inside you says:
I can’t keep living like this. I can’t do this anymore. If you’re here reading this, chances are you’ve already been holding on for far too long.
Toxic doesn’t always look “toxic” from the outside
One of the hardest parts about leaving a toxic marriage is that it often doesn’t look “bad enough” to other people.
You may not be able to point to one clear moment or one epic blowout as your reason. Instead, it’s the accumulation:
The constant tension in your body
The way you second-guess yourself
The exhaustion from managing emotions, reactions, moods, or outcomes
The quiet shrinking of who you used to be
Toxicity often shows up as an erosion of safety, clarity, self-trust, and peace.
And over time, that erosion takes a raw and real toll.
Wanting to leave doesn’t make you weak
Many women I work with are deeply capable, high-functioning, empathetic people. They’ve built careers, families, and lives where they’ve been the steady one—the fixer, the peacemaker, the one who holds it all together.
So when they start thinking about divorce, shame can creep in fast:
Why can’t I make this work?
Why does this feel so hard for me?
Am I giving up too easily?
But wanting to leave a toxic marriage isn’t a failure. It’s strength.
It’s often a sign that your nervous system has reached its limit after years of trying to survive something that never truly felt safe.
You’re allowed to want more than “getting by”
A toxic marriage doesn’t have to be violent or overtly abusive to be damaging.
If your relationship requires you to:
Stay hyper-vigilant
Walk on eggshells
Silence your needs
Constantly manage or anticipate another person
Or lose touch with your own intuition
…then your body already knows what your mind may still be trying to rationalize.
You are allowed to want a life that doesn’t require constant bracing.
You are allowed to want mornings without dread, clarity instead of confusion, and peace instead of perpetual tension.
Choosing yourself is not selfish
One of the biggest myths women carry into divorce is that choosing themselves is selfish.
But choosing yourself doesn’t mean you didn’t care.
It doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough.
And it doesn’t mean you failed.
Often, it means you finally listened.
Leaving a toxic marriage is not about punishing someone else—it’s about protecting your well-being, your mental health, and your future. It’s about deciding that your life matters too.
It’s giving yourself the love, care, compassion, and empathy you give to everyone else.
You don’t need permission—but it’s okay if you’re looking for it
Many women don’t need advice. They need reassurance.
So let me say this clearly:
It’s okay to divorce.
It’s okay to leave.
It’s okay to choose yourself.
You don’t have to have every answer right now.
You don’t have to know exactly what comes next.
You just don’t have to stay somewhere that’s slowly costing your soul, your life, and yourself.
If you are waiting for permission to leave—to walk away, to let go, and finally choose peace, love, and freedom—
I give you permission. And I give you permission to give yourself permission.
Learn more about and how to work with Lisa Happ here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.