Jenny Says So: Weddings After Divorce
Dear Jenny,
I’m newly divorced and I feel like I’m walking into a social obstacle course.
I just got invited to a wedding that’s a “mutual friends” situation. My ex will be there. I don’t know if they’re bringing a date, or if I’m supposed to bring a date, or if I’m supposed to show up alone and pretend I’m completely fine while we both circulate like two magnets that can’t touch.
Part of me wants to decline because I don’t want the anxiety. Part of me wants to go because I’m tired of my divorce shrinking my life. And then there’s the etiquette piece: I don’t want to make the couple’s wedding about my situation. I don’t want to be the drama. I don’t want to be the whisper campaign. I just want to celebrate them and also not have a full-body stress response at the cocktail hour.
Also—what do I do about seating? Do I warn the couple? Do I ask to be seated far away? Do I just… hope for the best? And if my ex tries to talk to me, do I engage? If they ignore me, do I look petty? I feel like there’s no “right” way to do this.
What’s the etiquette around weddings and events when you’re newly divorced?
Love,
Sweating in Stamford
Dear Sweating in Stamford,
First: you’re not dramatic. Weddings are already emotionally loud. Add a recent divorce and it’s basically a sensory experience.
Here’s the etiquette rule: you are allowed to protect your peace without recruiting other people into the divorce. That means you don’t have to go. And if you do go, you don’t have to perform “we’re totally fine.”
Start with the most grown-up question: What will future-you thank you for? Sometimes that’s “I went and reclaimed my life.” Sometimes that’s “I stayed home and didn’t ruin my week.”
If you decide to attend, keep it simple and discreet:
If you need to flag it to the couple (only if necessary):
“Quick note—[Ex] and I are both invited. No need to do anything special, but if possible, seating us separately would help keep the focus on you.”
No long backstory. No emotional dumping. Just logistics.
How to act at the event: neutral, warm, brief.
If you cross paths: “Hi. Hope you’re well. I’m going to say hello to the couple.”
That’s it. Polite. Contained. Exit.
Date etiquette: only bring someone if you’d bring them even without your ex there. A wedding is not the place for a rebound debut.
And if you choose not to go? Send a gift, a kind note, and release the guilt. Your healing is not a social obligation.
Jenny Says So.
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