Sexual Coercion: The Thing Women Carry in Silence
There are things women tell me that stay with me long after our conversations end.
Sometimes it’s our first call. Sometimes months later. Sometimes they’re shaking so badly they can barely speak.
They tell me about being forced to have sex with their husbands. About threats, begging, anger, and relentless pressure until they stop resisting.
And sometimes they tell me:
“If I just do it, he’ll leave me alone for a few days.”
I wish more people understood what that means.
She doesn’t want to have sex. She’s trying to get through another night.
He’s angry. He won’t stop asking. He calls her selfish, makes the house miserable, or threatens what will happen if she refuses.
She knows that if she stops resisting, maybe tomorrow he’ll be in a better mood. Maybe the kids won’t have to deal with his anger. Maybe she’ll finally sleep.
Sometimes it’s not that she agrees. It’s that she knows he won’t leave her alone until he gets what he wants.
So she lies there and waits for it to be over.
And afterward, she feels relief. Not because she wanted to do it. Because it’s over.
Some women tell me their husbands have threatened to hurt them, their children, their pets, or their home. Others have woken to sexual touching they never consented to.
I’ve listened to women shake as they describe locking their bedroom doors and pushing furniture against them at night.
I have known that fear personally. I’ve needed a locked door and furniture against it to feel safer in my own home.
And the next morning? They make breakfast, get the kids ready, answer emails, go to work. Nobody knows.
This is sexual coercion.
It’s pressure, intimidation, threats, manipulation, or force used to obtain sexual activity someone doesn’t freely want.
In a coercively controlling relationship, it can be about power, punishment, and humiliation. The message is that your body is available whenever he demands it, regardless of your exhaustion, fear, or boundaries.
Over time, you may begin to feel small, powerless, and responsible for managing his anger with your body.
Marriage doesn’t give anyone ownership of you.
Stopping resistance isn’t consent. Neither is freezing, going quiet, or enduring something out of fear.
Some women even initiate sex because they’ve learned it may prevent an explosion. That doesn’t mean they want it.
I would never ever ask a woman why she didn’t “just say no.”
Because I understand that saying no can bring frightening consequences, especially when she’s trying to protect her children.
Women tell me they thought they were the only ones. They’re embarrassed. They’re afraid nobody will believe them, especially when their husband is successful, respected, and charming in public.
Some don’t even know whether what happened counts as abuse.
You don’t need bruises. You don’t need to have screamed or fought back.
This isn’t a normal obligation of marriage. It’s abuse.
And if you’re recognizing yourself here, you can ask for help without deciding to leave today.
You can speak privately with a domestic violence or sexual assault advocate about ways to stay safer. If someone monitors your phone, consider using a safer device.
I know how frightening it can be to say these things out loud.
I’ve also seen women begin to sleep without fear and make choices about their own bodies again.
You deserve to feel safe in your own home and your own body.
And you do not have to face this alone.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.