Coercive Control and School Avoidance
There’s something I see over and over again with families coming out of coercive control relationships.
A child who desperately doesn’t want to go to school.
They’re crying, angry, refusing to get dressed, complaining of stomachaches or headaches. Getting them out the door has become an exhausting daily struggle.
And the parent trying to help them is often exhausted, frightened, and wondering what else they can possibly do.
Sometimes they’re being told their child needs more discipline, structure, or consequences.
But what if the problem isn’t school?
What if this child’s nervous system has spent years feeling unsafe?
Children living with coercive control see and hear far more than we realize.
They notice the tension. The arguments. The silence. The change in someone’s mood when a parent walks into the room.
Sometimes they’re experiencing the intimidation, manipulation, and emotional abuse themselves.
Maybe they’re constantly criticized. Blamed for things that aren’t their fault. Told they’re too sensitive, difficult, selfish, or responsible for upsetting a parent.
Some become the family scapegoat.
Imagine being a child who’s spent years hearing that everything is somehow their fault.
Eventually, they may start believing it.
They question themselves. They’re afraid of making mistakes. They don’t know what to say or how someone will react.
And those feelings don’t disappear when they walk into school.
A child who’s constantly worried about saying the wrong thing at home may become terrified of saying the wrong thing around classmates.
They may feel embarrassed, different, or convinced nobody likes them.
Some withdraw. Others become angry or reactive.
And then there’s the confusion.
A child can love a parent and be frightened of that same parent.
They may be told one thing, witness something completely different, and then be made to question what they saw.
It’s similar to the cognitive dissonance adults experience in coercively controlling relationships.
Their nervous systems may be constantly watching for danger, even when nothing appears wrong.
Some children are terrified to leave the safer parent because they’re worried something will happen while they’re gone.
Others are exhausted from nights of tension, worried about transitions between homes, or afraid of what awaits them after school.
And sometimes the physical symptoms are very real. Their stomach hurts. Their heart races. They feel sick.
This isn’t necessarily a child being difficult. It may be a child who’s frightened and doesn’t know how to explain why.
Of course, school avoidance can have other causes, including bullying, learning differences, medical concerns, and anxiety unrelated to home.
But when there’s a history of coercive control, we need to look at the whole picture.
Not just attendance or behavior.
Does this child feel safe? Do they blame themselves? Are they afraid to speak honestly about what happens at home?
I encourage parents to involve their pediatrician, school, and qualified child mental health professionals who understand trauma.
And please remember, you’re probably trying to recover from years of stress yourself while helping your child through all of this.
That’s a lot for one parent to manage.
I’ve worked with families where mornings were once filled with tears, arguments, and panic, and things gradually became easier.
Sometimes the first change isn’t getting through the school doors. It’s a child finally feeling safe enough to talk about what’s really going on.
And sometimes it’s simply seeing your child laugh again, enjoy their friends, or have a morning that doesn’t begin with tears.
I know how much you want that for your child. And I know how hard you’ve been trying.
You deserve support, too.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.