Divorce Myths We Are Officially Breaking Up With
When my marriage ended after 25 years, I was starting over at 50. I’d been thinking about weddings, grandchildren, family vacations and where we might retire. Divorce certainly wasn’t on the list.
Neither was all the advice.
“Just move on.” “Be strong for the kids.” “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” That last one is my personal favorite.
Everyone seemed to have an opinion. And when you’re already questioning yourself, it’s easy to start believing there’s a right way to do this and somehow you’re getting it wrong.
One belief that can keep you stuck is that you need to understand why before you can move forward. Of course you want answers. You shared a life with this person. But you could ask the same question for months and never hear anything that makes sense. You still need to eat lunch, get some sleep and make decisions. When “Why did he do this?” takes over your day, try asking, “What do I need right now?”
Then there’s the idea that missing him means the divorce is a mistake. I kept thinking we’d get back to us once the kids left home. Letting go of that hope was part of the loss. You can miss your Saturday routine, your family vacations or having someone to tell about your day without forgetting what wasn’t working. Write down what you miss and then write down what life together was actually like. Both belong on the page.
Maybe you’ve also decided that being nice will keep things from getting ugly. If keeping the peace has been your job for years, that makes sense. But your willingness to cooperate doesn’t guarantee his. You’re allowed to say, “I need to review this,” and leave it there. No five-minute explanation required.
The opposite belief can be just as costly: “If I compromise, he wins.” After betrayal, even the furniture can become an argument about fairness. Before digging in, ask whether you’re protecting something you need or hoping he’ll finally admit what he did. Discuss the practical consequences with your attorney. A settlement may never give you the apology you want.
And the kids? Whether they’re eight or 38, you cannot make this painless for them. You can listen, love them and keep them out of the middle. Find somewhere else to talk freely about your own hurt. “I’m having a hard time, but I have people helping me” can reassure them without pretending everything is fine.
Which brings me to “I should be able to handle this myself.” When, exactly, were you supposed to have learned how to get divorced? Start with whatever keeps you awake at 2 AM. Ask for help with that.
Finally, “At my age, it’s too late.” Too late for what? Friendship? Companionship? A home that feels like yours? Money and health matter. Starting over can be exhausting. You can still make plans for something you want next month.
You don’t need your whole future figured out. Pick one belief that’s making today harder, and ask what you might do differently if you stopped treating it as a rule.
About the author: Lori Heller is a Certified Divorce Coach® helping women navigate divorce after long marriages and find their next steady step. Learn more at womenanddivorce.com.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.