Justice? When the court does not see what you see
But I have proof. How can the judge not see what he’s doing?”
I hear this all the time.
You’ve spent years being controlled, threatened, manipulated, and made to question yourself.
You’ve watched what it’s done to your children. Your health. Your confidence. Your entire life.
You’ve spent years managing someone’s moods, trying to keep everyone safe, wondering what might happen next.
And now you’re finally in court.
You have the texts. The emails. The financial records. Sometimes years of documentation.
You want someone to understand what you’ve been living through. How much you’ve suffered. What it’s cost you and your children.
But here’s something I wish more people understood about family court.
A judge may be making decisions that affect the rest of your life without ever truly understanding what you and your children have survived.
Family court is primarily there to make legal decisions about dividing assets, finances, child support, spousal support, and parenting arrangements.
Coercive control and abuse can absolutely matter in those decisions, especially when safety and children are involved.
But the court may never acknowledge everything you’ve experienced.
And that’s incredibly difficult when you’ve spent years hoping someone would finally see what’s happening.
Meanwhile, the controlling behavior may continue.
Your ex doesn’t return the lunchbox or sporting equipment. Again. For what feels like the hundredth time.
To someone else, it’s a lunchbox.
To you, it’s another exhausting situation with someone who’s spent years making your life difficult.
Another message. Another argument. Another email to your attorney.
And you’re wondering how someone can keep behaving this way with seemingly no consequences.
And please, I’m not going to tell you to “just let it go.”
I actually hate when people say that. It makes me so angry.
How do you tell someone who’s spent years being frightened and controlled to just let it go?
Of course you want accountability. Of course you want someone to finally recognize what’s happened.
I understand why that matters so much.
And I know how exhausting it is to keep dealing with these behaviors while protecting yourself and your children.
Some things need to be documented and addressed with your attorney. Others may not require an immediate response.
And figuring that out can be difficult when your nervous system has spent years anticipating danger.
There’s another part of justice I love talking about.
One of my favorite things about supporting people through this is watching what happens as they recover.
The first time an awful message doesn’t make them sick to their stomach.
When they realize they haven’t checked their phone in hours.
When something that once ruined their weekend barely interrupts their afternoon.
Not because what happened was okay.
But because they’re beginning to feel safer.
With healing, support, and nervous system regulation, those old triggers may slowly lose some of their power.
And sometimes that really pisses off the person who’s used to getting a reaction. Maybe this is the best justice!
Their behavior may not have changed.
But something has changed for the person who spent years living in fear of it.
I think that’s pretty incredible.
I know you want justice. I want that for you, too.
And I want you to experience peace, confidence, happiness, and a life you genuinely enjoy again.
Maybe that’s another kind of justice worth talking about.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.