You Were Never Supposed to Do This Alone
Let’s talk about how much you believe you deserve support and why that one thing has a trickle down effect on every decision you’ll make through your divorce.
I’ve talked to countless people, people who are doing everything right but still feel stuck. People who have scoured the internet, ordered the books, joined some groups or even have made some calls to divorce support professionals. They’re moving and yet, is it actually in the direction they need?
This leads to a deeper question where they (you) may be asking internally, ‘do I actually deserve help with this?’. For many in the LGBTQ+ community who go through the end of a relationship this thought can carry additional weight. Maybe you’ve spent a large portion of your life figuring out how to be self-sufficient in spaces that weren’t built for, or simply didn’t make room for you in the first place.
When you have to figure out things without asking, because if you asked it could open it up to the people who just don’t understand or blatantly minimize your circumstances. There’s also all the other ‘survivors’ of divorce who seemed to have done it without help, so why couldn’t you? Which brings me to a huge factor in why so many refrain from getting the help they deserve, societal pressure.
This perception of those who “hold it all together” or those who need to control the narrative can be the driving force behind this idea that you have to do it alone. Sure, maybe you have a friend who will let you vent from time to time, and your lawyer will answer all your questions at their billable hourly rate, so isn’t that enough?
No. It isn’t.
Let me say this in no uncertain terms, you deserve real support. Whether or not you’ve figured anything out, taken two steps forward or ten steps back. There isn’t value behind waiting until your situation feels exceedingly complicated or difficult to want additional support. By support I mean someone who isn’t biased to you and the situation, or an attorney that might not even be truly advocating for you.
Finding the right divorce coach for you is just that. It’s not therapy or legal advice, it’s the work of getting you actually prepared both emotionally and strategically for one of the most consequential processes you’ll ever go through. But this only works when you realize that your situation matters and is worth taking seriously, and that your needs are worth advocating for.
One of the most common things I see that holds people back isn’t a lack of information, it’s the belief that they should be able to handle more on their own. It’s this ingrained idea that they have to earn help or hit some magical threshold of suffering before they somehow deserve to bring on additional support.
The reality of this though? Is that it’s going to cost you. It could be time, money, energy, clarity, and ultimately, outcomes. The decisions you’re making throughout this process matter, and they do add up. This is where strategy comes in, not instead of support but because of it. Once you actually believe you’re allowed to get help, you can start doing the real work. You can show up prepared for what is coming next and not just hoping for the best.
For the LGBTQ+ community, your relationship and your divorce are not a lesser version of anyone else’s. The complexity you’re navigating within your specific situation is real legally and emotionally, and it deserves to be treated that way.
If you’re somewhere in the middle of all of this right now, just starting the process, or even at the (hopeful) end, it’s never too late. The thing you might actually be missing is permission. Permission to ask for help, need it, and receive it. The green light to need support without any context, the go ahead to want a clear path forward and not simply remain in survival mode.
This is it.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.
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