Jenny Says So: When Family Trashes Your Ex in Front of the Kids
Dear Jenny,
I need help with a problem that makes my stomach twist because it’s coming from “my side.”
Since my divorce, some of my family members—especially my mom and one of my siblings—keep speaking badly about my ex in front of the kids. Sometimes it’s subtle (“Well, we all know your father can’t be relied on”), and sometimes it’s blatant (“He’s selfish,” “He doesn’t care,” “He ruined everything”). They think they’re being supportive of me. They think they’re saying what I can’t. And honestly? A small part of me understands the anger.
But my kids hear it. Even when they’re in the other room, they hear it. And then I notice the shift: they get quiet, they get clingy, they ask questions they didn’t used to ask. I don’t want them carrying adult bitterness in their little bodies. I don’t want them feeling like they have to pick a team. I don’t want them thinking they’re half “bad,” because half of them is their dad.
The problem is: if I confront my family, they act like I’m defending him. Or they say, “We’re just telling the truth.” Or they get offended and make it about how much they’ve done for me.
How do I ask them to stop—firmly, clearly, and without igniting a whole new war?
Love,
Overprotective in Oyster Bay
Dear Overprotective,
You’re not overprotective. You’re protecting the one thing divorce can’t mess with if you guard it well: your kids’ emotional safety.
Here’s the etiquette rule: Adults can have opinions. Children deserve peace. And you can set that boundary without debating the merits of your ex.
Use VASE—Validate, Acknowledge, Support, Express—and keep it non-negotiable.
Try this script:
“I know you love me and you’re angry on my behalf. I get it. But we are not speaking negatively about [Ex] in front of the kids—ever. They don’t need adult commentary, and it puts them in the middle. If you need to vent, do it with me privately when the kids aren’t around. I appreciate you helping me keep their world steady.”
If they argue “but it’s true”:
“Maybe. Still not in front of the kids.”
If they say you’re defending him:
“I’m not defending him. I’m defending the kids.”
And if they keep doing it, the etiquette consequence is simple: reduce access.
“I’m going to take a break from visits if we can’t keep this boundary.”
That isn’t harsh. That’s parenting.
Jenny Says So.
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