The papers are filed. The attorney is engaged. Friends and family have been told. And yet a quiet question keeps surfacing: Did we try hard enough?
If that sounds familiar, you are in good company. In one study of divorcing parents, about one in four individuals still believed their marriage could be saved. In more than one in ten couples, both spouses felt this way. Ambivalence doesn’t stop at the courthouse door. It can travel through mediation, through the settlement, and well into the years after.
For women, who initiate most divorces, doubt often arrives with embarrassment. After summoning the courage to leave, a flicker of uncertainty can feel like weakness, a betrayal of hard-won resolve, or proof that you can’t be trusted to know your own mind. Friends may mean well: “You finally got out. Don’t go back.” So the doubts go quiet, and shame takes their place.
In my work with people at this stage, I often hear some version of “Am I allowed to feel this way now?” The answer is yes.
Ambivalence is information, not a character flaw. It may point to a grief you haven’t had room to feel, a hope worth testing, or simply the ordinary pain of ending something that mattered. Having doubts doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It also doesn’t obligate you to reverse it. Discernment means listening before deciding what the doubt means.
One structured way to do that is discernment counseling, developed by therapist and researcher Bill Doherty. It is short-term, usually one to five sessions, for couples in which one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to preserve the marriage. It is not couples' therapy, and its goal is not to talk anyone into staying. Sessions blend brief joint time with private conversations, so each person can think without pressure. Couples then choose among three paths: postpone a decision, proceed with divorce, or commit to a defined period of therapy with divorce off the table. Proceeding with divorce is a legitimate outcome.
A caution: this isn’t right for every situation. If there is abuse, active addiction, or coercive control, second thoughts may be shaped by fear or pressure, and your safety comes first. A domestic violence advocate or an individual therapist is a better starting point than joint counseling.
Whether or not you pursue counseling, a few practices can help:
Find one person who can hold both possibilities, such as a therapist, clergy member, or friend who won’t push you in either direction.
Try two questions: If this doubt disappeared tomorrow, what would I do? If it’s telling me something true, what is it?
Ask about discernment counseling. If your spouse is open to it, a short, structured process can help you both decide what comes next. If your spouse isn’t, or safety is a concern, an individual therapist can offer similar space to think.
The cultural story says divorce is one brave act followed by steady forward motion. Real life is messier. Listening to ambivalence isn’t a step backward. Whether it leads to a serious attempt at repair or to a more settled decision to end the marriage, it lets you choose with open eyes. That is strength, not weakness.
Ginny Wright, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist and Discernment Counseling Master Practitioner who helps couples and individuals facing divorce decide on their next step with clarity and confidence. Learn more at lwadiscernment.com.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.