Mother’s Day Hits Different as a Single Mom (It’s Actually Better)
Years ago, the very first Mother’s Day I had as a mom, my son was about 9 months old, and I was teaching full time; I was always tired, I was spinning all my wheels, and I was really excited to celebrate myself on Mother’s Day. Throughout my first year of motherhood, I had made my very first mom friend, Melissa, who had a daughter the same age, and was also in education. We bonded over how tired we were, and how exciting it was to be a new mom, while also pursing our dreams in life.
As Mother’s Day is always a Sunday, she texted me a few days before Mother’s Day, inviting me to coffee on Mother’s Day morning to celebrate how hard we worked as new moms. I was so excited and when I proudly announced I’d be going on my coffee date for Mother’s Day, I was told that I should be spending the day with my child - after all, it was Mother’s Day, and wouldn’t he be upset I wasn’t with him? First of all, he was not even a year old - and secondly, didn’t I already have enough guilt and shame for being a working mom with big dreams in life? I felt like I was punched in the stomach. My baby wouldn’t know if I was gone for an hour on a random Sunday morning. And thus started my Mother’s Day guilt-trip journey. I did go to coffee with Melissa that day, and I didn’t enjoy a single second of it. I felt like I should be back with my child, or that I was celebrating wrong in some way. But, isn’t Mother’s Day about the mom? I’ll never forget how guilty I felt.
It’s no surprise that mothers carry the mental and emotional load in the household. Listen to any episode of Time to Lean with Crystal Britt and Laura Danger, and you’ll hear numerous stories about women asking for support in their household - or even asking for how they can ask for the support. While the nomenclature of Mother’s Day is about, well, mothers, the sad truth it, it’s really just another Sunday, and the mental and emotional labor doesn’t change simply because it’s Mother’s Day. Who is making the plans for Mother’s Day? Who is making sure the eggs and bacon are in the fridge so that the spouse can help the kids make breakfast in bed? Who is buying the gifts for the grandmothers? Who is making sure the children have clean clothing for brunch? Who is holding the screaming baby at the restaurant? Well, in my case, it was me, me, and me. Always me. And, it was exhausting. Not only exhausting, but disappointing, and I quickly became resentful. Hey, isn’t this day supposed to be about me? Why am I still doing all the things? Not only was it another exhausting Sunday, but it was a Sunday I was supposed to be “celebrated,” and I was anything but! Does that breakfast in bed come with a side of gaslighting?
And, then something happened. I became a single mother. My first Mother’s Day post-divorce was actually right after we split up, and suddenly I realized there was a sense of freedom that occurred: I didn’t need to be disappointed in the day because I was the only one responsible for the day. I couldn’t get let down, because there was no one to let me down. The release of the resentment was complete freedom. Once I realized this, it dawned on me that I got to choose my own adventure on Mother’s Day - the day was actually mine! If I was the one doing all of the labor anyway, why not use Mother’s Day as a release valve and have a little fun with it? On that first Mother’s Day as a single mom, I took my boys to the beach and watched them splash their feet in the water. We had ice cream, and ordered in dinner. We watched movies. We saw my own mother and took our time playing games and enjoying the moment. And, I put the kids to bed and cuddled in my own bed, in my own space, and watched a rom com eating Ben and Jerry’s dairy-free ice cream. Total heaven.
It’s probably not a shock to you that when children are raised by a happy and fulfilled mother, they are more regulated and have the ability to access their own joy too. We model joy for our children. We can also model resentment and hostility. It’s incredibly important for children to learn to celebrate themselves, and we must model celebrating ourselves, too! Mother’s Day is the perfect opportunity for single moms to celebrate their incredibly (incredibly) hard accomplishments by choosing to do what they want, guilt-free, for the day. For some moms, that’s heading to the beach, other years we spent the day in pajamas watching movies, for some single mom friends, they go to a hotel for the night while the kids live it up with their grandparents. We should never guilt any mother for how they choose to spend their Mother’s Day. There is no right or wrong way to spend Mother’s Day.
Being a single mother is an exhaustive act of love, and as the primary parent, we do hold all of that labor within our hands, but the beautiful part about being a single mom is you get to decide how you hold that. And, sometimes, it’s okay to just let it go and enjoy the moment. Let your kids see you splash in the water, or eat the ice cream, or lounge on the couch, or sleep alone in a hotel room. It’s our job to model joy and celebration, and Mother’s Day as a single mom is the perfect day to honor your brave decisions, fresh starts, and badass self.
