Crazy 8's - Celebrating Eight Years of "Kim-dependence"
Eight years ago, I was terrified of what my life would look like without my marriage. Today, I barely recognize the woman who was so afraid.
On September 25, 2018, after 18 months of a divorce process that I can only describe as awful, my divorce was finalized.
Eight years.
There is something about that number that feels significant. Maybe because when I look back at the woman I was then and the woman I am today, the difference feels almost crazy.
So, in honor of eight years, I’m calling this one Crazy 8s: Celebrating 8 Years of Kimdependence
The past eight years of my life post-divorce have not been perfect. Divorced life required adjustments. There were things I had to learn, responsibilities I had to take on, relationships that changed, and a life I had to rebuild. But the things I feared most? Most of them never happened. And the things that did happen? I discovered I was far more capable of handling them than I ever imagined.
So here we go…
Eight Things 8 Years Post-Divorce Taught Me.
1. Fear is really good at predicting a future that may never happen.
During my divorce, my mind was filled with questions.
Will I be okay financially? Will my kids be okay? Will I be okay alone? Can I manage a house by myself? Can I handle all the responsibilities? What if something goes wrong? How am I supposed to rebuild an entire life?
These questions created so much noise in my head, at times I couldn’t even think straight.
When you are standing in the middle of uncertainty, your brain wants answers. When it can’t find them, it often fills in the blanks with the worst possible outcomes.
Eight years later, I can tell you that many of the things I was terrified of simply didn’t happen. Others required adjustment. And some made me laugh when I realized: Wait. I was already doing most of this anyway.
2. I was much more capable than I gave myself credit for.
One of my biggest fears was handling everything on my own.
The house. The bills. The decisions. The kids. The responsibilities. All of it.
Then divorced life arrived, and I discovered something interesting.
I could do it. I had been doing it. I would continue to do it. And quite well, actually. There were certainly things I needed to learn and things I had to do differently. But I also realized how much I had already been carrying alone. Divorce didn’t suddenly make me capable. It showed me that I already was.
3. Peace changes everything.
This may be one of the biggest gifts of the past last eight years.
My nervous system is calm.
I didn’t fully understand how much energy it took to live with uncertainty, mistrust, conflict, gaslighting, lies, manipulation, cheating and betrayal until I wasn’t living inside of it anymore.
When you are constantly wondering what is true, anticipating the next problem, questioning yourself or deciding whether to respond or react to someone else’s behavior, your body carries that stress. Today, my home feels peaceful. It feels comfortable. Most importantly, it feels safe.
And peace is something I will never again underestimate. I protect my peace fiercely.
4. Being lied to, gaslit, manipulated, cheated on and betrayed can really do wonders for your confidence.
Okay, maybe not immediately.
At first, those experiences did the opposite. They made me question myself. They shook my confidence and made me wonder what I had missed, what I had done wrong and whether I could trust my own judgment. I doubted my value. How awful!
But eight years later?
My confidence has soared. I trust myself in a way I didn’t before. I take risks. I make decisions. I started my own business. I built a home and a life that feel like mine. I celebrate my worth.
I have become far less afraid of the unknown because I already know something important:
I can figure things out.
I’ve done it before and I will continue to do so.
5. Other people’s choices are not a measurement of my worth.
This one took time.
When someone hurts you deeply, it is easy to internalize their behavior. Betrayal can make you ask, Why wasn’t I enough? What’s wrong with me?
I don’t ask those question anymore.
I have learned to see people more clearly for who they are. Their choices, actions and behaviors belong to them. They are not a reflection of my value.
I also came to understand that my ex and I did not share the same values, morals or ethical standards. We simply do not operate with the same internal barometer.
And that’s okay.
What would not have been okay was continuing to betray my own values by staying in a situation that required me to accept things that fundamentally conflicted with who I am.
6. It isn’t my job to change, fix or manage another person.
People may change.
People may not change.
Either way, it isn’t my job.
I cannot control another person’s choices, actions, behavior, honesty or integrity. I can only decide what I will do in response to them. That realization gave me back an enormous amount of energy.
For years, so much attention went toward someone else’s behavior: What are they doing? Why are they doing it? Will they stop? Will things change? How should I respond? Should I react? Should I let it go?
Today, I don’t have to spend my life responding to someone else’s chaos. I get to decide where my energy goes. That is freedom. It’s Kimdependence.
7. Some relationships end when the marriage ends—and that’s okay too.
Divorce didn’t only change my relationship with my former husband. It changed friendships, social circles and connections that had been built around being part of a couple. Some people remained. Some didn’t.
And over time, I stopped trying to hold onto relationships simply because they belonged to an earlier version of my life.
Today, my friendships are strong. They are built around trust, genuine connection, shared values and people I truly care about and who truly care about me.
I’ve learned that letting go doesn’t always mean something went wrong. Sometimes it simply means you no longer belong in the same places you once did.
8. Rebuilding my life didn’t mean recreating the old one.
Eight years ago, I thought rebuilding meant somehow putting the pieces back together.
I don’t anymore. I didn’t rebuild my old life. I built a different one.
I started my own business helping people navigate divorce and guiding them through mediation. I became willing to take risks. I created a home where I feel comfortable and safe. I strengthened the relationships that matter to me and released many that don’t. I’ve let go of most of my anger. I’ve become clearer about my values, my boundaries and the kind of people I want around me.
Most importantly, I found myself again. Not the married version of me. Not the divorced version of me. Just me.
This article was originally published here.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.