Divorce Guide: 10 Questions Your Child May Ask During the Divorce Process and Ideas of How to Respond
Divorce is a deeply personal and challenging journey, particularly when children are involved. As parents, it is natural to want to shield our children from the discomfort of major changes. However, when it comes to divorce, honest and age-appropriate communication becomes a vital tool in helping our children navigate the complexities of this new life event. We rounded up 10 questions your kids may have about the divorce process, and framework of ideas on your possible responses. Remember, by fostering an environment of trust, empathy, and understanding, we can provide our children with the necessary support and emotional resilience to cope with the changes ahead.
10 questions your child may have about your divorce and ideas on how to respond:
Why are you getting divorced? Be honest, but age-appropriate. Explain that sometimes adults have difficulties in their relationship that they cannot resolve, and it is better for everyone to live apart and be happier. You can remind them that it is a beautiful thing when people grow and change and find what makes them happy, and sometimes people grow apart, and that’s a natural part of life, too. While we don’t recommend leaning into toxic positivity, we do suggest keeping the tone light and calm.
Is it my fault? Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault and emphasize that both parents love them unconditionally. Children often blame themselves, so offer continuous reassurance that your divorce has nothing to do with anything they have done or will do, and mostly, that they will be safe and loved no matter what.
Where will I live? Explain the living arrangements, ensuring they understand that they will have a safe and loving home with each parent, if that is the case. In some cases, if a parent is moving further away, reassure the children on where they will be living and how they can maintain a relationship with the other parent (generally speaking, when they will have visits, reminding them of technology like FaceTime and texts/phone calls). Reassure them that their routines and activities will be maintained as much as possible.
Will I still see both of you? Assure them that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents. Generally discuss the plan for the visitation schedules, co-parenting plans, and the importance of maintaining a strong bond with each parent. While these may not be hammered out yet, you can loosely explain that they will have time with each parent in a general sense.
Will anything else change? Acknowledge that some changes may occur, such as living arrangements or routines, but emphasize that their well-being and happiness are top priorities for both parents. Remind them that change isn’t bad! Change is just part of life, and you are all going to weather this change together.
Can you still love each other and be friends? Explain that love and friendship can change over time, but both parents will always love them. Reassure them that you will work together as co-parents to support their needs. Remember that children see a reflection of themselves in their parents, so though you may have bitter or angry feelings toward your ex-spouse, it’s important to speak about them with respect in front of your children - as your children are part of them.
Will I have to choose sides? Make it clear that they do not have to choose sides and that it is okay to love both parents equally. Encourage open communication and remind them that they can always share their feelings.
Will we still be a family? Reinforce that despite the changes, they will always be a part of a family. Emphasize the importance of love, support, and maintaining a strong bond between family members, even if the family structure has changed.
Can I talk about my feelings? Encourage open expression of their emotions and create a safe space for them to share their feelings. Validate their emotions and reassure them that it is normal to feel sad, angry, or confused during this time. Remind them that it is not their job to worry about their parents’ feelings, but you will always be there to hold space for their feelings and help them process.
What will happen next? Provide a basic overview of the divorce process and what to expect, focusing on the stability and support that will be provided. Assure them that they will be kept informed and involved in decisions that affect them.
Remember to listen attentively, validate their emotions, and offer ongoing support and reassurance. Each child may react differently, so be patient and responsive to their individual needs. If necessary, consider seeking professional help, such as a child therapist, to assist them in navigating their emotions and adjusting to the changes.