3 Things I Learned from My Divorce with Professional Matchmaker Melissa Rogers
In this inspiring episode of Divorce Happens, Olivia Howell chats with Melissa Rogers, professional matchmaker, dating coach, and vibrant voice of post-divorce empowerment. Melissa shares her story of moving through divorce and stepping into a version of herself that’s wiser, freer, and more self-assured. Having lived all over the U.S. and now based in El Paso, Texas, Melissa brings insight not only from her personal experience but from helping others find love after loss.
Melissa unpacks the three powerful lessons she learned from her divorce: 1) there’s no award for staying miserable; 2) control what you can, release what you can’t—especially when co-parenting; and 3) divorce is not failure. With humor and grace, she explains how being complicit in her own sadness kept her stuck—and how reclaiming her agency changed everything. She reminds us that when we stop setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm, we finally start living.
If you’re navigating the pain of divorce, wondering what comes next, or feeling like a “failure,” Melissa’s words will light you up with hope. This episode is a must-listen for anyone ready to reclaim joy, autonomy, and possibility after the end of a marriage.
Divorce Happens – 3 things I learned from my divorce with professional matchmaker Melissa Rogers
Olivia Howell:
Hello, hello! Welcome back to Divorce Happens—the podcast where we support you before, during, and after divorce with education, inspiration, and a little bit of laughter. Because as you know, divorce happens… and then you start fresh. I'm here today with our friend Melissa. Melissa, who are you, what do you do, where are you from—all the things!
Melissa Rogers:
Hi! I’m Melissa Rogers. I currently live in El Paso, Texas, but I’ve lived all over the U.S.—the Midwest, including Chicago, Minneapolis, and Wisconsin; New York City; Savannah, Georgia... I’ve truly been everywhere, which has been exciting! I’m a professional matchmaker and dating coach, which is a really fun job—and honestly, I’m even better at it now that I’ve been divorced. It’s been a journey, and I’ve gained so much new knowledge that’s helped me support others.
Olivia Howell:
I love that so much. One of my favorite things about this podcast is talking to people who have been through the process of divorce and hearing what they’ve learned. So Melissa, what are three things that you learned from getting divorced?
Melissa Rogers:
I’ve thought a lot about this—and the lessons are simple, but powerful. The first thing I learned is that I am not okay being complicit. In many marriages, the relationship ends long before the paperwork is filed. I see this with my clients, too—someone will say they’ve been divorced for three years, but in reality, they emotionally checked out six years ago. I always remind people: there’s no award for being the most complicit, for staying in a marriage that’s making you sad, just because you “signed up” for it. Once I realized that I have a choice in where my future is headed, everything changed. If your partner isn’t the person you want to call when something amazing—or awful—happens, that’s a sign. If it doesn’t set you on fire, you need to dream bigger.
Olivia Howell:
Yes! That’s so important.
Melissa Rogers:
The second lesson was about control. A lot of successful women who listen to this podcast probably relate—we're Type A, we love structure, we’re control freaks. And when you share kids with your ex, you still want control: why are they wearing that? Why would you give them those shoes? But I had to learn to release that. Co-parenting is a whole new world, and I had to let go of the version of me that thought I always knew best. It was a hard but necessary evolution.
Olivia Howell:
Yes, that's so real. Okay—what's the third lesson?
Melissa Rogers:
The last thing I had to come to terms with is that divorce isn’t failure. Divorce doesn’t mean you’re damaged goods. In my line of work, when I was married to the first person I ever loved, I thought, “This is it, I’ve won the jackpot.” But now? I honestly think divorced people are better at dating! They've gone through hell and still say, “I’m ready to get hurt again.” That takes courage. And just because someone says “I do” doesn’t mean they can—or will. People change, and sometimes what was true then isn’t true anymore. That’s okay.
Olivia Howell:
That’s such a good perspective. For someone listening who is in the middle of a divorce, what words of encouragement would you leave them with?
Melissa Rogers:
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If you're staying “for the kids,” remember—they’ll thrive more in a happy household, even if it’s two separate homes. One solid, loving home that you control is better than none. Also: this isn’t your practice life. You’re not getting a do-over. So don’t stay just because you're afraid you're too far along in life to start over. To put it in golf terms—I’m on the back nine of life, and I’m loving it. It’s more thrilling, more fun, and so empowering to know I’m in control now.
Olivia Howell:
I love that so much. Thank you for your honesty and authenticity. I know your words are going to give someone listening a lot of hope today. Thanks for being here, Melissa.
Melissa Rogers:
Thanks for having me. I really hope it helps someone out there.