Brief Lifeclass: Narcissistic Maneuvering 101
Every so often a theme emerges as I am working with clients. Last week was no exception! One of the most painful things I hear is how those people in our lives who are highly narcissistic find a way to passively avoid, dismiss or ghost us during the times and events that are important to us. For example, you invite a friend or loved one to your home for an occasion, they say they can’t make it, they are busy, but then you learn (perhaps by their social media activity) that they are spending time with someone else. They can use silence to completely by-pass your attempt to reach out, invite or include, as well. In group chats, they may hang out, waiting to see how someone else answers to determine if they will attend or participate.
As a general rule, narcissists prefer to spend time with people on their own terms. This is generally so they can control the environment and allow for their continued access to narcissistic supply. Narcissists regulate their emotions by being in situations that feed their ego - it creates a sense of equanimity for them. I also think they like to look at full schedules, or fill time with appointments, events, social commitments, again it helps them to feel important, it feeds their grandiosity. They feel entitled to your time, but also equally entitled to disrespect it. You may notice they are often late, or cancel at the last minute, as examples of that. On the topic of passive avoidance, if it doesn’t serve their agenda, or if it is an event where someone else is the centre of attention, they may skip it all together. They do so with some fairly creative excuses, I may add.
What does the term maneuver refer to in this scenario? It is generally planned actions to allow for a particular outcome. When a narcissist goes silent or avoids something, they are most definitely holding out for something that benefits them - including not participating in something where they may feel vulnerable. I also believe it helps them to feel powerful. This allows for them to fulfill their own agenda. For example, if you really enjoy Japanese food, they may not get back to you for that sushi invite, but will change their mind if you offer to go to their favourite Mexican place. This is all about with-holding until they get their way. This is typically a behaviour that you can track as a pattern.
Withholding and passive avoidance will most definitely be ways that narcissists try to control the pace and outcomes of family court proceedings. They will, for example, take months to submit their required documentation. They will silently refuse to respond to any requests from your legal team, but will instantly demand things from you. In my experience narcissists will file motions, make demands, challenge your requests, JUST before you have the kids - if there is custody sharing. This is an example of maneuvering, controlling what they can control to influence what is happening for you. It is also a way to keep you thinking about them and in the old role you had that served them.
Entitlement, grandiosity, lack of empathy and perspective-taking are all reasons this happens. The maneuvering takes place to keep them from feeling like they are not in control and to continue to be in your orbit if even in this sick way.
Related resources
If this resonates and you're already working with a therapist, you might find When You Already Have a Therapist helpful. It speaks directly to that question.
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For the full framework in book form: Heart Wide Open: A Holistic Guide to Self Recovery from Narcissistic Wounding.
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This article was originally published here.
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.