What I've learned as a Realtor (and a mom) while navigating divorce
by Holly Martins founder of Holly Martins, NJ Real Estate, Real Estate Agent
I've worked with families as they divorce and sell their marital home. The decision to move on from marriage is not one that is easily made, and we are often walking away from the home where we've spent a lot of time and made a lot of memories. Sometimes we flee, sometimes we are able to collaborate, and sometimes it's downright contentious; the paths we walk are set for their own reasons and there is NO judgement on your path in this post. What I am proposing here is for the kids.
When there are kids involved, there is additional tension because their family structure is changing while their home is changing, and they are often too young to fully understand what is happening or why. It's easy to forget what being a kid is like and how stressful transitions can be. I'm often reminded of this by reflecting on my own childhood and not understanding why my mom suddenly had a bed in my room where she'd sleep, or what it felt like when she moved into an apartment down the road. At the time, I was 5-6 years old; I knew that things weren't right, I felt anxious all the time, and when she moved I felt abandoned even though it was absolutely a matter of survival for her. As a divorced mom now (I'm a few years out from it), I can see how it has impacted my kids even though I tried HARD to insulate them from it; my goal was to shelter them from what I was exposed to by my own father's outward pain and mourning - something I still have to deal with today, 30 years later.
What I am asking of us is this: we need to put our kids first and set aside our differences for their sake. I know it's not easy (been there, bitten my tongue over that). But it isn't their fault we're divorcing, it isn't their fault we're moving, it isn't up to them what's in the MSA, it's not up to them what the buyout is and whether it's affordable. They're simply stuck on this bumpy rollercoaster with us until we get off of it, wide-eyed and confused. They need us to show them that we are still there for them, that no matter where "home" is, that it's a loving and safe environment, and they need to know that they're not being ignored.
The big takeaway is to be kind to each other so that we can, in turn, be better for our kids. It is so hard to put our walls down once they're up, and it sometimes feels impossible to communicate with the person who you are divorcing (let alone make big decisions together or pack/move together). But, if you work as a team, you work to keep the home a peaceful and safe place, then it will be easier on the kids and you. You need to get through the sale of the house together, because both of you will be signing the contracts; working as a united front, while temporarily uncomfortable, will allow you to get through the sale faster and with less pain overall. The goal is to move on, move upward, and keep the family afloat in the process. You can absolutely do this - you are worth it, and so are your kids!
I've got a separate article here about how to navigate whether to sell or stay, and how to prep if you need to sell.
Learn more about and how to work with Holly Martins here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.